An in-depth analysis of what Male Matters USA considers the sexes’ most divisive and destructive behavioral difference
by Jerry A. Boggs
CAVEAT: The views and facts herein may be too shocking and off-putting to politicized, ideological feminists, especially at #MeToo. I provide a possible reason for that in my FOREWORD to “A Comprehensive Look at Gender Equality: The Doctrinaire Institute for Women’s Policy Research.”
Contains one depiction of nudity.
Updated May 8, 2018 – 24,500 words, 3 hrs., more or less depending on your reading speed
17,270 clicks for years ending 2017 (plus hundreds more at a previous blog); 3,003 clicks ytd 2018
Years ago, the media and virtually all other institutions ignored the “female” side to the gender story for fear of offending men. That was rightfully seen as sexism.
For the last three decades, the media and virtually all other institutions have ignored the “male” side to the gender story for fear of offending women. That is not yet seen by many as the sexism it is.
“I asked her out,” he said. “She refused. I kept asking. She kept refusing.”
“I’m your adviser,” she said. “It’s not appropriate.”
The “he”? Barack Obama.
The “she”? Michelle, his future wife. –Oprah.com
Had Obama been unattractive or financially unsuccessful, feminist Michelle might have filed a complaint in this textbook example of sexual harassment: a persistent, unwanted advance, a refusal to take a woman’s “No” seriously.
Today, had they not married, she might now be a #MeToo member telling a 20-year-old tale of harassment by former-President Barack Obama.
But there are no #MeToo complaints against the men who married the women they “harassed.”
“We need to understand the breadth of the problem if we are going to begin to address the problem and to change attitudes in a meaningful way.” –LA Times editorial, November 17, 2017
So what is the breadth of the problem?
According to feminists like Catharine MacKinnon, and the media like The New York Times, sexual harassment is epidemic. All men are inflicted with “toxic masculinity” that makes them harassers in the waiting.
After some research, here is my answer to what is the breadth of the problem:
In a 2014 survey, millions of women said they were harassed at work. To be more precise, about 2.4 million women claimed this.
To be sure, that’s a disturbing number – until you learn there are about 66 million females aged 16 and older in the workforce, and 2.4 million women represent only 3.6 percent of them.
The 3.6 percent comes from the General Social Survey, one of the most trusted sources of social-science data. In 2014, it asked a random sample of Americans: “In the last 12 months, were you sexually harassed by anyone while you were on the job?”
“To that question,” Christina Hoff Sommers wrote in the New York Daily News on November 26, 2017, “only 3.6% of women said yes. That is down from 6.1% in 2002. These results do not suggest an epidemic. Nor even a trendline moving in the wrong direction.”
An equally important question regarding the breadth of the problem is, How many men are harassers?
Between October 2017 and the end of January 2018, I read many accounts of multiples of women alleging harassment of some nature by the same man. Over 85 women registered complaints of sexual misconduct against movie mogul Harvey Weinstein. Ex-TV personality Matt Lauer, too, is an alleged multiple offender. The ratio of one man harassing several or many seems to hold true across a broad spectrum of industries. Could, then, the typical harasser be described as a serial harasser?
So if only 3.6 percent of working women are harassed, maybe, given men greatly outnumber women at work (in 2016, 69.2% of males worked, vs. 56.8% of females) only 2 percent or less of working men are doing the harassing.
This hardly suggests a “toxic masculinity” that makes all men harassers in the waiting.
Let’s zoom in on the harassed women.
The group most likely to report being harassed is, I believe, attractive young women between ages 18 and 40. (Fewer young white women report harassment than 20 years ago, but they still report more than older women and black women, for whom claims have not changed. In the 20 years, claims overall have dropped 40 percent! Sidebar comment: That decline, oddly enough, just happens to coincide with a rise in online porn use! So does the decline in rape.)
Young attractive women may represent no more than 20 percent of the entire female workforce, or about 13.2 million. But they may account for 80 percent, or almost 2 million, of the 2.4 million harassed. Two million of the possible 13.2 million young attractive women at work equates to 15%; 15% of young attractive women being harassed at work would appear to mean, for this group, yes, a problem. But 15% of the roughly 20% of working women who are attractive — a minority of a minority — does not constitute an epidemic of sexual harassment against women.
I think this analysis helps us better understand the breadth of the sexual harassment problem.
What makes the harassment seem like an epidemic? Mainly three influences: (1) The two million-plus harassed women with quick, easy access to such social networks as Twitter (the whisper network permits a new kind of mob agitation); (2) radical feminists and the mostly liberal news corps that have for decades ignored the male side and the deeper understanding of the male-female dynamic; (3) repetition, repetition, repetition.
Still, the over-two million women harassed each year deserve to be heard and understood.
And they deserve to be given an understanding of why they are victims of workplace sexual misconduct. That understanding provides the best path to a solution — the best path to harmony between the sexes.
To that end….
When a boy is around 10 or 11 years old, he may start becoming conscious of the media’s incessant portrayals of beautiful girls and women in magazines, newspapers, and movies. He can’t escape the bombardment.
To him, beautiful females, unlike handsome men to women, often seem to be held out as a prize. He may grow to feel inadequate because he can’t have one of these “genetic celebrities,” as they’re called by gender researcher Warren Farrell.
“Every day in about half the advertisements, a man sees the constant reminder of the woman he was not worthy of.” -Warren Farrell, who proposes a White House Council On Boys and Men and who wrote the stunning 2018 book “The Boy Crisis,” which I believe has the potential to transform society from one of alienation to one of peace and harmony.
“We live in a society drenched with sexually objectifying images of women,” the National Center on Sexual Exploitation says. “…[W]e are bombarded with sexually objectifying images both in brick and mortar stores and in online advertisements virtually every day. These images are so ubiquitous, the average person feels powerless to change the status quo.”
If a boy is to have a girlfriend at all — even an unattractive one — he knows he will probably have to reach out to her first and risk rejection.
Many girls at this age also reach out. But they are often pulled back and restrained by parents and others who say, “Let the boy approach you.”
A girl may learn to think: “How do I attract a guy into approaching me?”
A boy may learn to think: “How do I avoid rejection when approaching a girl?”
Very early on, because of their different socially assigned role behavior, the sexes set out to develop two different psychologies when contemplating creating male-female relationships. Their different behavior, quite often, turns them into two strangers destined to alienate each other.
When grown women want to reach out first, they, too, are often told, “Let him approach you.” In my office some years ago, I overheard a 40-ish woman tell a female co-worker she was going to ask out a guy in her department. The co-worker’s reaction was rather stern. “No. You wait until he asks you.” I thought: Talk about female conspiracies! This “brazen,” rule-breaking woman would have to resort to the traditional ways of attracting a man: wear her best makeup and clothes and make frequent appearances near her “target.”
A boy learns something on an unconscious level: To prevent or diminish the pain of rejection, he turns females into “unimportant sex-objects” who can’t hurt him — which still may not mask the realization that the sex-object is indeed very powerful and can hurt him. (See more work by gender expert Warren Farrell, author of many books on the sexes, including “Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say,” Chapter 8 of which is online here as a quick sample of his insights into things gender.)
A boy’s focus on sex stems not just from an unconscious need to protect himself. It stems also from:
The biological sexual need that both sexes have (and which females have been taught to suppress, limit, or deny, the effect being to heightened males’ need)
As mentioned, the media’s constant in-your-face portrayals of the prize: beautiful, sexy girls and women.
The fear of female rejection helps propel boys and men to the publications and outlets that feature beautiful nude women. These further fuel the desire for the beautiful sex-object.
“In high school,” Farrell says, “a 15-year-old boy, the less mature sex, is expected to risk the rejection of the more mature sex. Having fewer social skills and being more likely to be a ‘failure to launch,’ he may feel overwhelmed, withdraw and fall addict to the world of internet porn.”
“The best-selling magazines to men are Playboy and Penthouse,” Farrell adds. “These represent men’s primary fantasy: access to as many beautiful women as desired without risk of rejection.”
The magazines tell men access to beautiful women is possible once you gain financial success or status. Even the most attractive man looking at these magazines feels he needs success or status just to win over his female counterpart in looks. (The woman, usually, merely needs to be attractive. Often she has to do nothing; she’ll be sought out and pursued.)
“So while in men’s magazines success is a power tool to get sex and love, and therefore the look of success is crucial, in women’s magazines love and sex are power tools to get success—and therefore both the look of love and the sexual tease/promise are crucial.” (Recognize here a big driver of the gender wage gap?)
Is it any wonder that the men charged with sexual harassment in late 2017 are either successful or have status, men who likely turned the women into unimportant sex objects?
And that most if not all of the women alleging sexual harassment are beautiful young starlets?
It’s said men view women as sex-objects in an era when women seem to increasingly view themselves as sex-objects. This is evidenced by the possibly millions of women who over the years have uploaded to the web nude selfies and movies of themselves participating in the most graphic sexual behavior you can imagine.
“Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature constitute sexual harassment when this conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual’s employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual’s work performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment.
“Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).”
It gets complicated. Such terms as “severe,” “hostile,” “offensive,” “harassment,” and “unreasonably interferes with an individual’s work performance” are subjective. Their definitions can vary from person to person. Many women view the above Obama-type persistence for dates, which may come more often from co-workers, as sexual harassment. Some say a man’s compliment is sexual harassment because it makes them feel uncomfortable.
The definition seems to keep expanding and depends on who you are. And on where you work. Tennessee State University announced it considers whistling “in a suggestive manner” (the “wolf” whistle?) to be sexual harassment. Depending on the whistle’s tune, it can result in a student being suspended or expelled. And sometimes sexual harassment is confused with flirting. Many employers impose zero tolerance that allows no distinction between physical assault and lewd jokes. So does it matter much how the EEOC defines sexual harassment?
We all behave pretty much according to societal expectations. A large part of these expectations is gender-role expectations. As everyone knows, males have always had certain gender-role expectations and women certain others.
Individual men and women interpret each expectation in their own way according to how they were socialized to interpret it. They also decide how the expectation should apply to them — or whether it should apply at all. Thus the sexes can have a broad range of behaviors in response to each expectation.
Take, for example, the traditional expectation that the man should initiate male-female interactions and relationships. (Below, near the end of my commentary here at Male Matters USA, just before PRIMARY REFERENCES, I offer what I think is the “biological” reason for the male-initiates custom.) Some people fully believe in this expectation and act accordingly; some do not believe in it in the least; some think men should show the first sign of interest and the woman should take it from there (accept or reject); some think the woman should throw out the first sign and the man ignore or respond. (There are probably myriad possibilities.)
With this in mind, please be aware that I wrote the following to reflect what I think are the sexes’ general, long-enduring, most common responses to gender role expectations regarding initiating and advancing male-female relationships. To the reader who believes they are not the most common, I suggest he or she read the January 2013 New York Times piece “The End of Courtship?” The last couple of paragraphs of the piece show that many women still insist on traditional ways of meeting and dating. (Note that the examples provided, in true New York Times fashion, make men look cheap and bad, perhaps to give the impression men are to blame for courtship’s end, which upsets many women.) I also suggest the reader see the April 30, 2011, Psychology Today’s “Why Don’t Women Ask Men Out on First Dates?”
“Together, we came to understand how we beg men to express feelings, but then when men do express feelings, we call it sexism, male chauvinism, or backlash.” -Warren Farrell, author of The Myth of Male Power
Here’s how the media often treat men:
When conservatives say blacks’ violence must be blamed on the individual, the media, especially the liberal media, usually reply, “No. You must understand the underlying dynamics between the races that spawn black violence.” When it’s said “To understand sexual harassment, you must look at the underlying dynamics between the sexes,” the liberal media tend to suggest, “No. You must blame the individual man and tell him he must change.” (The “Don’t offend women” response seems kicks in: Don’t offend women by telling them they, too, should change.)
Some years ago in an earlier time of sexual-harassment frenzy, Cosmopolitan, then and now the top-selling single women’s magazine, told women how to get a relationship going in the workplace. In doing so, it told them how to unwittingly set themselves up to be sexually harassed. (Wikipedia says of Cosmopolitan: “The magazine, and in particular its cover stories, have become increasingly sexually explicit in tone, and covers have models wearing revealing clothes.” To send what message?)
Setting the stage for men to sexually harass women.
Do these media outlets advise women to conduct their on-the-job search for romance by directly approaching an appealing man and asking him out? Some do, but probably most do not. Following a decade of media focus on sexual harassment, Cosmopolitan told women some years ago, while under the stewardship of a woman (the late Helen Gurley Brown), to take these tactics in the workplace:
- “Brush up against somebody in the elevator…”
- “If you have good legs, wear a very tight, short skirt and very high heels. Bend over with your back to a man (to pick something up or look in a file drawer, etc.)….”
- “You cross your legs and your skirt rides up….” (Source: The Myth of Male Power, pp. 289-90) (Italics by Male Matters USA)
“Cosmo sends the same messages about female sexuality as Playboy,” says the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, according to a CBN News report dated March 28, 2018. The message: women first and foremost are men’s sex objects. (Looking through any issue of Cosmo, one might also think men first and foremost are women’s success objects, which NCOSE doesn’t seem to recognize for some reason.)
The NCOSE, like such feminists as Catharine MacKinnon, supports the removal from view of all sexually explicit material. This approach to addressing women’s sexual exploitation, presumably including sexual harassment, seems to equate to cleaning all surfaces to prevent a disease from spreading and doing nothing to understand and arrest the disease’s true cause. Both NCOSE and Mackinnonites appear to think the only cause of sexual harassment is sexually explicit depictions viewed by men, all of whom are, again, “afflicted with toxic masculinity.”
But in faulting only sexual depictions and men, they excuse the possibly millions of women who recognize their female sexual power and freely and frequently upload nude photos and videos of themselves participating in the most extreme sex acts.
And before they take on the monumental task of getting to a ban of all sexually explicit material, they may want to verify that the explosion of depicted sex, especially online, has not driven down rape and sexual harassment.
These indirect initiatives recommended by Cosmo, you’ll note, are very sexually suggestive. When a woman puts them to practice, she virtually screams, “I’m a sex object and I want sex!” (This helps explain why some men, accused of harassment mistakenly blame a woman’s “dressing and acting like she wanted it,” even though that may have in fact been the message a particular woman wanted to send.)
Might some men, weary of hearing “toxic masculinity,” a slur slung far and wide to explain sexual harassment, think these indirect initiatives are toxic femininity? (See this view on toxic femininity and this one on toxic feminism.)
At a party (and hopefully not at work!), which of these two women pictured below advertises sex more by seeming to say, “I’m a sex-object and I want it!”? Which of them is more likely to be approached by a man looking not for love but solely for sex? To whom is she more likely to say “Yes” — a George Clooney lookalike or a Harvey Weinstein lookalike?
Rose McGowan in her “naked dress” at the 1998 MTV Video Music Awards.
In the photo immediately above, what statement was celebrity Rose McGowan, who accused Harvey Weinstein of raping her in 1997, making a year after the rape at the 1998 Video Music Awards? If making a statement, to whom was she making it? Was she telling male on-lookers she wanted sex — and, being dressed for it, wanted it right that minute — because, as Stephenie Weiss said in a NY Times comment, “We [women] want sex as much as men,” and as journalist Daniel Bergner told Salon.com, female desire is “base, animalistic and ravenous”? Could children see her? Did she prompt some people at the awards to take offense, which CBS’s Charlie Rose prompted when he allegedly paraded naked in front of female employees? Why should our biases allow attractive women to get away with exposing themselves far more readily than anyone else? (It’s against the law in most places for women to expose their breasts, etc., in public.)
Suppose, say, the attractive Brad Pitt or Matt Damon attended an awards ceremony wearing a “naked outfit.” What would happen? Compare your reactions to his display of his body and sexuality with your reactions to McGowan’s display of hers. Might you feel you have somewhat of a double standard? (Incidentally, PBS’s Charlie Rose, who admitted to parading nude in front of his female employees, should have had the presence of mind to know that in this society his septuagenarian body has no appeal to anyone — except possibly to septuagenarian women. But he and Rose McGowan may have exhibitionistic disorder, or at least a subtype — which is recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.)
Update on Charlie Rose: Women are “falling all over themselves to approach Rose….”
Update on Rose McGowan: “Last month, she revealed the details of Weinstein’s alleged assault for the first time, claiming he performed ‘forced oral sex’ on her in a hot tub without her consent.”
Until now, I had pictured a horrible, violent rape by Weinstein — not forced oral sex.
This is similar to an experience I once had. On my first date with a young woman I barely knew — I’d met her in the big building we both worked in — I arrived at her apartment to take her to a movie. She said, “Before we leave, let’s sit in the living room and chat for a bit.”
Within 30 seconds after we seated ourselves on her sofa, she brushed her hand across my lap. She unzipped my fly and proceeded to give me oral sex. I like oral sex as much as the next person, but I felt a bit uncomfortable and ill at ease. I also felt a little manipulated. I wasn’t sure I wanted more than a few dates with her, or even a second date. Did she give me the “gift” of oral sex in the way a man gives a first date a rather expensive gift in the hopes of assuring future dates a woman might not want? I know her intent was also to please me. Was Harvey Weinstein’s intent to please McGowan? Did he think his persisting for oral sex would soon see her enjoying it? We dare not ask such questions.
Maybe I read the New York Daily report too fast and my eyesight is too poor, but I didn’t see where it tells why they were in a Jacuzzi together and possibly both naked. Worse, it doesn’t explain the photo below of Weinstein and McGowan taken in 2007! Ten years after he raped her and ten years before she described the assault! Before posing for the photo, did he yank her over in front of everyone at the Orpheum Theater and say, “Get over here and let me put my arm around you and you’d better smile”?
Please, someone help me understand McGowan!
I remember reading in the ’70s of a report on groupie girls. They’d walk into the dressing rooms of members of a rock band and proceed to disrobe. They wanted sex apparently so they could say they had bedded down with such-and-such rock star or his bandmembers. Rockers are humans, meaning they aren’t always in the mood. I suspect some felt pressured to go through with it or face a smearing by the groupies, a diminished rep.
Back to the naked outfit business:
A man’s “naked outfit” is not the correct gender comparison here. A generally accepted idea in society is that men want women’s bodies and women want men’s money — thus women are sex-objects, men success-objects. At the Video Music Awards, McGowan flaunted her body as a sex-object. As a success-object, a man would have to flaunt his wealth. He can’t just pull up in a fancy car and strut in a tux. He’d have to, say, wear a billboard displaying his investment portfolio and bank statements that show off his millions and other assets, perhaps under the caption “Male Power.” What might some women’s reaction be? Admiration? Desire? Resentment? Jealousy? Might not those have been some of the internal reactions some men at the music awards might have had — but knew they didn’t have society’s permission to voice — when McGowan showed off her sex-object assets with the understood caption “Female Power”?
“Many of these men are so physically disgusting, too—the thought of them forcing themselves on young women fills me with heaving disgust. Enough already.” –Claire Berlinski, freelance journalist, author of Brave Old Word: Europe in the Age of Trump
Harvey-Weinstein lookalikes may learn a brutal lesson. They may believe all they need to do to be accepted by an attractive woman is to acquire status or financial well-being. But many of these men eventually learn the attractive woman, especially if she is a beautiful starlet, wants and can get a man who is both successful and attractive himself.
Even the ordinary-looking woman may want a successful man so that in marriage she has three options available to her: work full-time, work part-time, or stay at home full-time raising their children. If attractive, she likely also wants an attractive man. Besides wanting her own eye-candy, she wants to up her odds of having attractive children.
Suppose it had always been the other way around: women were known for wanting just attractive men, and men were known for wanting attractive and successful women. (That’s becoming more possible and thus more expected as more women gain success; men’s expectation of female success will help close the gender wage gap.) What would radical feminists say? Would they call it a double standard? Would they demand that men stop treating women as beauty-AND-success objects?
“The power of [women’s] indirect initiatives,” says Warren Farrell, “is that they put neither the woman’s ego nor her career on the line.” (If you’re receptive to men’s feelings, you might understand this female power might stir in many men a resentment toward women.)
But the problem with many of women’s indirect initiatives is that they attract Mr. Wrong as easily as Mr. Right, both of whom must put both their ego and their career on the line if they want to find out which of them indeed is her Mr. Right.
If Mr. Right responds, all is well and a courtship may begin. But if Mr. Wrong responds — which in reality may happen often — how is a woman instructed to handle him?
Is she told Mr. Wrong is the occasional price a woman must pay because men can’t always know for sure if a woman isn’t interested until they make an advance? Is she advised to say politely and convincingly, “No. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested”?
Sometimes she does receive such sensible advice. Increasingly, though, it seems she is told differently, mostly by the largely unquestioned theorizing of radical feminists (RFs henceforth; radical feminists shouldn’t be confused with equity feminists, who are concerned about equity also for boys and men). She is encouraged to think of Mr. Wrong as someone who offended her and created for her a “hostile work environment*,” especially if he approached her again after being told No.
She may be advised to find out if Mr. Wrong violated one of the rules that keep multiplying as a result of the ever-expanding definition of sexual harassment. (In “Ninth Circuit Court Denies Men Equal Protection At Work For Expressing Less Emotion Than Women,” I analyze another troubling expansion added in September 2005.)
That advice is more likely to be followed if Mr. Wrong is unattractive. According to a 1994 study, reported on by Psychology Today, Sanford Braver, a psychologist at Arizona State University, found the more handsome a man is, especially if he is single, the less likely he is ever to be accused of misconduct. (I can hear women telling an unmarried female co-worker who complained about Mr. Handsome Single Guy, “Are you crazy? You’ll never be able to date anyone from this office.” Or: “I wish he’d sexually harass me.”)
“Male power,” despite popular feministsplaining, has little or nothing to do with it. (On men’s “power,” see Warren Farrell’s book, The Myth of Male Power.)
Observations about men with power
“The bad behavior is a defense against being powerless.”
—Christopher Kilmartin, author, The Masculine Self
“Men with ‘hostile masculinity’ find power over women to be a sexual turn-on. They feel anger at being rejected by a woman. This is something that researchers believe probably happened to them a lot when they were young.”
“Dr. Malamuth says he has new, unpublished research that shows that men who are aggressive toward women are more likely to look for or create a situation where women are more vulnerable. So it’s no coincidence that they are the ones who seek out power—especially over young, beautiful women, who were the ones who tended to reject them when they were young.”
“Men with ‘impersonal sexuality’ prefer sex without intimacy or a close connection, which often leads them to seek promiscuous sex or multiple partners. Often, but not always, this type of person has had a difficult home environment as a child, with abuse or violence, or they had some anti-social tendencies as adolescents.”
“Males who hurt hurt us,” Warren Farrell says in “The Boy Crisis.”
Many feminists explain women’s abuse of others as the result of the women having been abused themselves — but men abuse because of the “patriarchy,” “male power and privilege.” Do they want men to accept these different explanations?
-Quotes from the Wall Street Journal’s “Power’s Role In Sexual Harassment,” by Elizabeth Bernstein, February 5, 2018
“Conventional wisdom,” Psychology Today says of Braver’s and his partner’s study, “holds that sexual advances from people in positions of power have a coercive edge, and thus are felt as more harassing. But Virgil Sheets, Ph.D., and Sanford Braver, Ph.D., found that it has little to do with a man’s position within the organization. Attractive, single men were least likely to be accused of sexual harassment. Although the team expected that people with higher status would be more desirable as a potential date or mate–and so less likely to be seen as harassing — social status didn’t seem to affect the subjects’ perceptions of harassment.”
But another study, reported on by The Journal of Social Issues in 1982 (another high-peak year of reporting sexual harassment), had this to say in an abstract:
Female flight attendants were asked to “record the incidence of sexual harassment by personnel of higher, equal, and lower status.”
“It was hypothesized that the lower the status of the harasser, the more negative the recipient’s affective state. Results show the affective state of the recipient is most negative with lower-status personnel engaging in moderate verbal and physical harassment.”
Are sexual-harassment laws largely in response to women’s desire to keep unattractive and/or unsuccessful men away?
Who creates sexual harassment? Men only, as the liberal media and feminists say? Or men, women, courting behavior, Cosmo/Playboy-type magazines, and radical feminists? Think about how each contributes to setting up conditions for the harassment.
When a man compliments a woman at work, he often does so merely to foster harmony, as he might do with another man. If he is interested in her romantically, he may compliment her to show not only that he likes her, but also to test out her responses to see whether she is receptive to a request for a date.
Such “testing-out” compliments have long been part of how men try to open the door to a date and a relationship with a woman. Since the Ninth Circuit Court in 1991 expressed the view that even well-intentioned compliments can form the basis for sexual harassment claims, some men in the workplace have shifted from testing women out with words of appreciation to avoiding them as much as possible.
At work sometimes, married men, such as Fox News’ Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly, seek affairs, and so do some married women. Many married women, like single women, learn how to “initiate” in the indirect Cosmopolitan style above.
How do some men feel about sexual harassment and RFs’ influence on how it’s viewed and dealt with? Comedian and liberal Chris Rock says, “What’s the difference between sexual harassment and just being an idiot? If my father didn’t harass my mother, I wouldn’t be here. Anita Hill started this whole thing. If Clarence Thomas looked like Denzel Washington, this would never have happened. When an ugly man wants some, you call the police.”
“Anybody can sue for sexual harassment because it is completely subjective,” writes Adam Carolla (in his book In Fifty Years, We’ll All be Chicks). Picture an office where there’s a Cool Guy and a Creepy Guy. Attractive receptionist comes in wearing tight new jeans. Carolla writes: “Cool Guy comments, ‘Somebody’s been working out.’ She replies, ‘Oh, it’s only the jeans.’ Cool Guy looks her up and down and says, ‘You do have good genes.’ She laughs.
“Now, same scenario with Creepy Guy. Receptionist walks in, Creepy Guy says, ‘Hey Kelly, nice jeans.’ And she marches straight off to Human Resources to file a report.” Rather than enforce a no-fun policy in the workplace, surely it would be more satisfying (and effective) for Kelly to deal with Creepy Guy herself, via a slap in the chops.” -Kyle Smith, Nov. 20, 2010, New York Post.
(Male Matters USA: A very good commentary, except that Kyle Smith apparently believes that to maintain control over who compliments her — and therefore to combat “sexual harassment” — a woman should get angry at and inflict violence on Creepy Guys who use the very same compliments as Cool Guys. To see the potential consequences of a “slap in the chops,” read “Rihanna’s and Chris Brown’s Abuse.)
For another view, suppose men announced to women, “We men have decided that it is women’s role, and only women’s role, to raise the children. Even though we want children as much as you do, we men will take no part whatsoever in the role of child-rearing.”
Suppose men added, “We will never acknowledge when you do well in your role of caring for children. Our only feedback to you will be to criticize you when we think you take care of the children improperly or make them angry. We will then call down your toxic mothering and label you ‘abusers.’”
Women would feel this is sexism compounded with cruelty. Feminists would not be amused in the least by men stereotyping mothers as potential abusers.
Imagine, then, how men might feel (if only more men felt free to express how they feel!) when they realize this: RFs, by fixating only on sexual harassment outside the context of all male-female flirtations and courting interactions in the workplace, have in effect said to men:
“It is your role, and your role alone, to initiate male-female relationships even though women want romance, love, and sex as much as you do. It is your role to take the roughly 100 initiatives (see immediately below) Warren Farrell says must on average be taken to move a relationship from first eye contact to first sexual contact. We do not want women to take any part in this except to say yes or no to your initiatives. Moreover, we will not commend you when you perform this role correctly and every day countless good relationships result. Our only feedback to you will be to denounce you when we think you ‘do it wrong.’ We will then assail your toxic masculinity and call you ‘harassers.’”
Re 100 initiatives: and the attendant 100 risks of rejection. The effect on the male psyche of rejection’s constant threat has not piqued the curiosity of social researchers other than Farrell.
Mainstream feminists and the media often discuss men’s abuse and violence. When is the last time you heard something like this:
Many feminists say the childcare problem cannot be solved until men equally share the responsibility for raising children. To my knowledge, no feminist has said, “Sexual harassment cannot be solved until women equally share the responsibility for initiating and advancing romantic and sexual male-female relationships.”
Can you imagine this being uttered by feminists such as Yvette Caster?
“Despite being a feminist,” she said, “and despite being more than capable of affording my own dinner, I still want a man to pay for me on dates.”
Is Caster the sort of hypocritical feminist who fuels men’s anger, the anger that at times might push male bosses to harass and use their leverage, just as women sometimes use theirs in divorce proceedings and falsely accuse their husband of abuse to get a favorable court ruling?
Let’s examine her statement. It tells me she doesn’t take the initiative to ask guys out. Why do I think that?
Suppose she asks a man out to dinner and he, like some women, has a hard time saying no and accepts. After they dine out, does she expect him to pay for something that was her idea and he wasn’t keen on?
Look at that expectation from his view: He felt pressured into accepting an undesirable date, and now Caster wants him to pay for it. How presumptuous, arrogant, and sexist would that be? (But we’re told he’d better not expect sex from this feminist just because she expected him to shell out a hundred bucks for an evening he wanted to pass on.)
I’m sure Caster is not so insensitive or stupid she can’t see the unfairness in asking a man out and then expecting him to pay. So, no, I don’t think this “enlightened” feminist-chauvinist asks men out. (Many women subscribe to “Whoever asks, pays” and conveniently stack the deck against men.)
Thus we have yet another way of reinforcing the male-initiates rule — with the full blessing, it seems, of feminists who demand equality. Couldn’t Caster’s expectations and behavior be called another example of toxic femininity?
…[A] story of an exchange with a female friend of mine: She had a dry spell dating. Guys wouldn’t ask her out. I told her to try ask guys out, I know there are lots of guys who’d love it. She said she had tried, once, and got rejected, so she’s back to the old pattern. This alone made clear to me how massively different our worlds are. For I had lost count how many rejections I had taken at that point. But only one of us had a choice in picking a pattern. -Hitch, August 24, 2010, Greta Christina’s Blog (Italics by Male Matters USA)
How the sexes learn “harassment” behavior
Examples of how men at work “do it wrong” and become sexual harassers are often shown in the videos used as part of employers’ training against sexual harassment. The videos, as well as the rest of employers’ training programs, seem sometimes to be influenced by the thinking of such RFs as Catharine MacKinnon, a law professor at the University of Chicago and the University of Michigan. MacKinnon has made such statements as:
“Politically, I call it rape whenever a woman has sex and feels violated.”
“Men who are in prison for rape think it’s the dumbest thing that ever happened… It isn’t just a miscarriage of justice; they were put in jail for something very little different from what most men do most of the time and call it sex.”
“Compare victims’ reports of rape with women’s reports of sex. They look a lot alike.”
“The major distinction between intercourse (normal) and rape (abnormal) is that the normal happens so often that one cannot get anyone to see anything wrong with it.”
“Male sexuality is apparently activated by violence against women….”
“Yet women’s sexuality remains constructed under conditions of male supremacy.”
“Women are socially disadvantaged in controlling sexual access to their bodies through socialization to customs that define a woman’s body as for sexual use by men. Sexual access is regularly forced or pressured or routinized beyond denial.”
“You grow up with your father holding you down and covering your mouth so another man can make a horrible searing pain between your legs.” (See my commentary “Catharine MacKinnon: Reduced to Redundancy.”)
The videos swayed by such thinking, I believe, cast men as sexual predators-in-training who almost always “do it wrong,” while concealing the fact that in real life the vast majority of men obviously “do it right” and create millions of relationships and marriages each year.
Although MacKinnon suggests “male power” forces women to say “yes” when they mean “no,” many men report hearing mostly women’s “no” in response to their requests for a date or sex. Sometimes they hear, “Not a chance” or even “Drop dead.” “As most men can attest,” author Cathy Young writes in Newsday, “women routinely reject them with very little trepidation.” When I asked a woman to dance some years ago, she looked at me and said, “Get in line.”
Do such responses to men’s initiative-taking sound like they came from women intimidated by “male power”? Of all the people I wish would read this commentary, I wish most that MacKinnon would read it. But of all the people who’d refuse to read it, she’d refuse the most. Twice she declined to debate Dr. Warren Farrell. Is she afraid of something?
More important, the videos fail to take into account that many if not most women assume little or no responsibility for directly initiating the workplace relationships women desire as much as men and which many women’s magazines encourage them to go all out for.
“Do you wonder what’s wrong with you if a man doesn’t make a pass at you? Men and women can never be friends as long as women expect that unless men come on to them as lovers, they have been rejected.” -feminist Victoria Billings, author of The Womansbook, a tome not kind to men.
This raises a question: To avoid feeling rejected, how often do women flirt with or come on to a man merely to goad him into making a pass, then, reassured of their attractiveness, reject him? This might be called “hurt transfer.” How does this behavior — which could be defined as another example of toxic femininity — help curb gender divisiveness and lift us out of the sexual harassment quagmire?
A training video’s theme sometimes is men’s persistent requests for dates or sex, such as Barack Obama’s persistent date requests of Michelle.
Regarding repeated requests for dates, San Francisco’s Department on the Status of Women, in its FAQ, says, “Examples of behavior which may constitute sexual harassment include but are not limited to ‘repeated requests for dates which are unwelcome.'” (You’ll soon see why women’s “No’s” are sometimes ignored, and you’ll see a “rule” for women from the book “The Power of the Pussy”: “Make them work for it, and make them work HARD for it.” You’ll also read what I think about that rule.)
This persistence is the type of harassment that women at work understandably often find bothersome and harassing. (See this on bosses’ requests for dates of employees. And this Cosmo piece on sexual harassment and women complaining about persistent date requests. Irony alert: Cosmo teaches women how to get themselves harassed, then allows them to complain about being harassed! Toxic femininity?)
The harassers seen in the sexual harassment training videos are nearly always cast as overbearing boors who pay no attention to a woman’s “no.” (For sure, the promos for the videos almost always cast men as harassing women — and a woman reprimanding the harasser.) Some men just don’t get it. They persist…and persist…
Yet as surely as women are taught by Cosmo-type magazines the value of wearing come-hither clothes and “being sought, protesting, then allowing ourselves to be overcome” (Working Woman, August 1994; emphasis mine), men are taught to use persistence as a way of overcoming women’s No’s.
“I asked her out,” he said. “She refused. I kept asking. She kept refusing.”
“I’m your adviser,” she said. “It’s not appropriate.”
The “he”? President Barack Obama
The “she”? Michelle, his future wife. –Oprah.com
Had Obama been unattractive to Michelle, he might have found himself facing a sexual harassment charge from feminist Michelle.
Thinking politically, some men might be inclined
to call women the Party Of No.
One not-so-subtle teacher of teaches male persistence is movies, which have a long, consistent history of teaching it.
In 1981, a previous peak time of sexual-harassment concern, “Body Heat’s” male lead apparently calculates that the female lead’s lucid, no-means-no refusal of his advances might be disingenuous. On her front porch moments after she ends their talk and locks him out, he seizes a chair and smashes it through her door. When he enters, she doesn’t flee in terror from what appears to be a man gone berserk. Instead, she receives him and shrink-wraps herself around his body, kissing him as if she hasn’t seen a man in decades. She then leads him upstairs to her bedroom. It’s later revealed that she was after him even before they met and even as she was later saying “No.”
In the 1991 “Frankie and Johnny,” Frankie’s resistance to dating Johnny is in time worn down by his smothering persistence.
In the 1992 “Lethal Weapon 3,” a woman tells a man she wants the two of them to stop their sensual horseplay of showing each other their body scars. Presumably she has signaled she doesn’t want their fooling around to get out of hand. His response? He stops but then grabs and kisses her in the way that in 1995 got U.S. Sen. Bob Packwood into trouble with the National Organization for Women and the Senate Ethics Committee, which recommended Packwood be expelled. Her reaction? She goes to the floor with him and they graduate from sensual horseplay to consensual sex-play.
Which sex do you think about when you see the title of the 1999 movie “Never Been Kissed”? Women say, “I’ve never been kissed.” Men say, “I’ve never kissed anyone.” Passive vs. active. Different behavior, different language.
In the 2002 “Clock Stoppers,” the lead female insults the male the lead male by calling him “Bozo.” She fluffs off his romantic overtures twice. When he persists to a third try, she gives in.
In Jennifer Lopez’ 2010 “The Back-up Plan,” the Lopez character repeatedly resists a man’s requests for a get-together, only later to capitulate under his persistence.
In that same year, “The A Team” shows the character “Face” kissing a woman he’s never met. She slaps him. He kisses her again. She grabs him and kisses him back, hard.
In the 2015 “Spectre,” actor Daniel Craig, in true James Bond fashion, pushes a resistant woman he just met against a wall and forcibly kisses her. Then — ta da! — she gives in and responds in kind. Bond, without asking “May I…?”, starts undressing her. And then….
Pay no attention to her objections, full steam ahead!
“Many women acknowledge eventually marrying men to whom they had at first said ‘No;’ that is, men who had in fact persisted.” -Warren Farrell, “The Myth of Male Power,” cassette tape version
“When I accidentally met my second husband — because he made it happen — any relationship with him could not be further from my thoughts. He was really ugly. But we had friends in common and he was very persistent. He was bright, witty, bold — to make a long story short, soon I was seeing him as uniquely handsome, so dear he was to me.” -Commenter Gina Oliveira at Huffington Post, September 5, 2013, in reply to jf12
But now you have this shibboleth, “No means no.” Well, no. Sometimes “No” means “Not yet.” Sometimes “No” means “Too soon.” Sometimes “No” means “Keep trying and maybe yes.” -Camille Paglia, the UK’s Spectator, October 2016
Did Paglia describe toxic femininity?
Farrell observes that few romance novels are titled, “He stopped when I said ‘no.’” Women are still falling in love with successful men, not men who stop at the first “no.”
So it goes, in movie after movie, from the unliberated 20th century to the “liberated” 21st century, women resisting, men persisting, women finally yielding.
To be sure, movies use the persist/resist gimmick to create the all-important conflict and sexual tension that are essential story elements. And sometimes, as in “Body Heat,” the gimmick has legitimacy as an indispensable thread of the plot. In “The Back-up Plan,” the Lopez character resists the man ostensibly because “she has a habit of pushing people away when they get too close.” But have you noticed that uniformly the persister is a man and the resister a woman?
“Men in the fantasy model,” Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld explains decades ago in The New Male Sexuality, “are always rewarded for not listening to a woman rather than taking her seriously. Is it any wonder that men in the real world have trouble knowing what to do when a woman says ‘No’ or ‘Stop’?” (Emphasis by Male Matters USA)
And is it any wonder that some men are led to think that while a “No” said with sincerity is how one woman makes her refusal clear, it may be how another woman tests a man’s sincerity?
In real life in 2009, long after men’s hitting on women was labeled sexual harassment, there is still this, as reported at PsychologyToday.com:
“As we all laughed, she added: ‘[Men] need to hit on us more!'” If humor was the intent, sometimes humor masks one’s true feelings. I suspect this women was serious. Without realizing it, she may have wanted men to take even more risks of being accused of sexual harassment.
Many men, especially young, inexperienced men on campus, booze it up to dull the fear and effect of rejection. Once drunk and fearless, a man is more apt to become aggressive.
Expounding on why women sometimes say No, Zilbergeld says a woman may initially resist a man’s advances to avoid being considered “loose” or “easy,” or to buy time to decide whether she likes him enough to go out with him, or whether he measures up to her (and to her friends’) standards.
Kate Fillion writes in Lip Service, “One-third of women consistently tell researchers that on at least one occasion they have said No to sex when what they really meant was Yes; ‘liberated’ women are as likely to do this as are women who accept traditional gender roles.”
When men hear this, the message some get is “Don’t pay attention to her No — at least her first one or two No’s. Maybe don’t back off until she gets angry. Only then will you know for sure she really meant No.”
Men pick that message up, perhaps unconsciously, also when they overhear a woman say of the man in her life, “I didn’t like him at first. Now I’m in love!” This suggests she found love the way women in movies find it: he made an advance, and she resisted; he persisted, and she gave in and was then “swept away” by love born of a man’ s refusal to take no for an answer.
The message “Don’t listen to a woman’s ‘no’” pops up in lots of places. In a July 1992 letter to Ann Landers (well after sexual harassment had become a hot topic), a woman writes: “I am a professional, single, attractive woman in my late 20s. Two years ago, I met a wealthy man. I did not encourage him, but he pursued me relentlessly and was very persistent. I finally gave in.”
Around 1995, a woman in my office, after reading my op-ed about sexual harassment in a newspaper, said, “Bunk. Women initiate all the time.”
Why, then, two decades later in 2014 the need for this book for men by a “Certified Dating Coach and Law of Attraction Coach“: “Read Her Signs“?
And why the need for a 2014 book for women, The Power of the Pussy? It mirrors the views of an earlier book for women, The Rules. “Don’t let them get into your pants easily. Make them work for it, and make them work HARD for it. If he does not want to work for it, let him walk, and [you then] move onto the next man (men are like buses, in 15 minutes another one will come around)…Who is next?”
How would women react to a man’s book dishing out that kind of appalling, sexist contempt toward women:
“Don’t let them get into your wallet easily. Make them work for it, and make them work HARD for it. If she does not want to work for it, let her walk, and [you then] move onto the next woman (women are like buses, in 15 minutes another one will come around)…Who is next?”
And why the need for the 2018 advice from Meagan Drillinger in “The Art of Seduction in the Age of #MeToo“? It tells men how to seduce women but not the other way around.
Surely men could say all this represents a toxic femininity that perpetuates and ramps up the potential for sexual harassment.
The problem for the male, Bernie Zilbergeld says, is to differentiate between refusals that are real and those that are ambivalent or merely facades. If a man backs off when a refusal seems to be a facade, he may fear that not only will he lose out on a possibly great relationship, but also will be viewed by the woman as a wimp for not trying or not trying hard enough and lacking the daring male bravado many women desire.
Many men, says Zilbergeld, stop trying to figure out if rejections are real or fake, and forge ahead regardless of what the woman says.
Video clips from television shows of males making risky initiatives, and females engaging in nonverbal proceptive signaling. Credit: Psychology Today, Michael Mills, Ph.D. Late in the video, the over-voice says it’s women who make the selections with their “steady stream” of hints and suggestiveness. But the steady stream of hints won’t always work, as every woman knows. The man may be too shy, uninterested, or thinks she may be a tease looking for an ego-stroke: come on to me so I can reject you and look desirable and better than my competition. Moreover, one woman’s hints and suggestiveness differ from another woman’s. Some women, as I point out later, look in the opposite direction to show their interest!
Although many women complain when men persist, many others complain when men don’t persist. Oprah- and Dr. Phil-style talk shows featured topics like “Women Upset Because Men Didn’t Call Back”! Sadly, men are put between a rock and a hard place – criticized when they overdo the pursuing, and criticized when they underdo it. Meanwhile, no one seems to understand that, contrary to the advice in such books as The Rules and The Power of the Pussy, pursuing and calling back are women’s responsibilities, too.
“Being there for ten years, I’m also a little offended that I didn’t get cat-called like that.” -Jillian Barberie-Reynolds, of “Good Day LA,” appearing on the Joy Behar Show Sept. 15, 2010, and commenting on the Ines Sainz cat-call case.
Japan may have less of a sexual-harassment problem than we do. If so, it might be due to what Tokyo mange artist Tomomi Nakamura explains is the reason for a fairly recent trend in movies.
Japanese movies often depict a sexually charged moment when the hero slams his hand against a wall, blocking the path of the heroine, and becomes romantic. The scene is called “kabe-don.” (A 2015 discussion is here.) The reason for kabe-don, Nakamura says, is that “…in reality, boys don’t pursue girls strongly enough.” (She’s saying, “C’mon, take the risk of making my sexual-harassment accusation more certain!”) For Japanese women, kabe-don, like romance novels, supposedly helps make up for the reality of those disappointing, passive Japanese men.
If I recall, all this derives from:
There are not enough babies in Japan. That’s because there aren’t enough marriages. And that’s because there aren’t enough male-female relationships. And that’s because “boys don’t pursue girls strongly enough.”
There you have it: One of Japan’s major problems — one that carries serious implications for Japan’s future, economic and otherwise, laid at the feet of young Japanese men.
Japanese women, like American women, don’t seem to realize, or care, that the reason men often don’t pursue women strongly enough is the fear of rejection. Sometimes the stronger the pursuit, the stronger — and more humiliating — the rejection. Role reversal can quickly make women sympathetic.
Nat Geo, Season 10, Episode 8, aired April 24, 2017 (The episode is available on demand to customers of participating TV providers.)
Many American women may be as enthralled by both kabe-don and James Bond’s brusque aggressiveness in reality as Japanese women are by it in movies.
Hayley Phelan, a New York Times contributor, is one to admit it. On March 12, 2018, she writes in the Times:
And then there are the memories of being brusquely, and without permission, pushed up against a wall — and loving it. In fact, those were the steamiest moments I could recall. [Italics Male Matters USA. Phelan provided no context to this scenario. Had their relationship just begun? Was it similar to some of the relationships Harvey Weinstein had with the young starlets now claiming assault? Was this how Phelan’s first sexual encounter with Mr. Brusque began?]
A rape survivor, Ms. Rand is well versed in feminist theory; she understands just how important and vital a shift such behavior from a young man is when it comes to casual sex. Yet, in practice, she had mixed feelings. “It’s difficult because on the one hand you’re like, ‘Dude, if I didn’t want it, I would stop you,’” she said. “On the other hand, that can be used against you if it was assault.”
What message do Phelan’s scenarios, which might be labeled more examples of toxic femininity, send to men? Ignore women’s “No” when asking for sex? No, it’s worse than that. The message is, especially in the first scenario:
“Don’t even bother asking me. Just attack me à la Harvey Weinstein. I’ll love it!” (Are you readjusting your Weinstein theory? It’s understandable that Weinstein’s victims may have been too frightened to protest during his attacks, but it should also now be understandable how they arrived at that point.)
Phelen confirmed the suspicion of many men who think they should behave in the Weinstein way that #MeToo warns women is sexual assault.
That warning is not without its downsides, for both sexes.
Phelan quotes Jessica Tallarico, 30, of Toronto, a newly engaged friend of hers:
“After being exposed to so many accounts of different women’s sexual abuse or harassment, I was hyper-aware and hyper-sensitive about it. So on one occasion, playing around affectionately in bed, my fiancé got the tiniest bit rough and I had such an adverse reaction to what would normally be playful. Adverse as in, I became defensive, flooded with a bit of fear. This felt so strange to me because it happened with my partner who I love and trust immensely, and he did nothing wrong or really that out of the ordinary.”
Phelan reveals another downside:
Mr. Mobley said that post-#MeToo he and many of his male friends have sworn off making the first move. “Now, I just sit back and wait for the girl to do it,” he said. “I know there’s been a lot of sexual situations that have not come to fruition because of it, and I’ve even had girls be like, ‘Why didn’t you kiss me?’” (Did it occur to her that if she’d wanted a kiss, she should have kissed him, instead of holding him responsible for creating something she desired without telling him?)
Thus, gender alienation is heightened, courtesy of #MeToo feminists, toxic femininity, the hyper-ventilating media, Power of the Pussy thinking, and millions of intimidated men. It results solely and directly from the sexes’ unequal initiating of first contact, romance, relationships, and sex. #MeToo feminists and most of society are apparently unable to see that. Their belief that “men have power and privilege and are oppressive” justifies not walking a few miles in men’s shoes. It excuses them from experiencing at least an inkling of male behavior in reaction to female behavior.
Many #MeToo feminists are as sexist and oppressive as they say men are. Much of what they teach women regarding the male/female dynamic is toxic faux feminism.
When feelings become fact, the stage is set for repression and censorship. That is because, in the absence of tight definitions, almost any behavior can be construed as sexual harassment. A remark meant as praise can be experienced as an affront, an expression of sexual interest as a breach of trust. Victims, real or imagined, multiply. –Prof. M. Patricia Fernandez Kelly
It stands to reason that flimsy or false charges of sexual harassment would begin surfacing. “Given the expansive terminology,” writes John Cloud in Time (March 23, 1998, p.50), “just about anything can count as a hostile environment, depending on who’s defining the terms.”
Extremist interpretations of sexual harassment disturb even some in the American Civil Liberties Union, normally pro-woman in matters of gender:
“There has been,” says former ACLU president, Nadine Strossen, author of Defending Pornography: Free Speech, Sex, and the Fight For Women’s Rights, “too easy a leap from discrimination on the basis of gender to the false assumption that any sexual reference to or about a woman, or in the presence of a woman, is sexist. I find that absolutely contrary not only to free speech but to women’s equality.
“One thing I discovered in doing research for my book was the shocking extent to which, although our legal system has so far without any dissension rejected the [Catharine] MacKinnon/[Andrea] Dworkin argument in the context of pornography laws, [it] has accepted their world-view through the Trojan horse of sexual harassment law and practice. Their view boils down to: Sex is inherently degrading to women, so any sexual image or reference [is harassment].”
As a result, Strossen says, sexual harassment “has disintegrated into simplistic demonization of sexual expression.”
I remember as a child in the late ’40s chanting the empowering maxim, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But for years now grown women have been taught by radical feminists a modern version: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can utterly destroy me!”
More and more we have expanded the concept of sexual harassment. More and more we have stripped away the requirement of factual support for a complaint of harassment, and have pressured employers, who normally hear both sides to a grievance, to hear only the victim’s side to a grievance of sexual harassment. More and more, RFs and the media indoctrinate women to suspect every man is a harasser in the making. More and more, they have portrayed the female as a powerless, fragile creature who is easily offended and harmed by the mildest innocent male indiscretion – and whose dignity, it turns out, can often be restored only by ample monetary compensation.
All things considered, why shouldn’t we expect unscrupulous women, their eyes on the gold sometimes easily mined for being “offended,” to file flimsy sexual harassment charges, notwithstanding RFs’ suggestion that such women don’t exist and so false charges are a myth?
Are false accusations a myth? Bear with me as I go where political correctness and identity politics forbid:
Mothers and female babysitters are sometimes caught on video attacking the tiny individuals who cannot report victimizations. “Prime Time Live,” for example, on November 19, 1997, presented the nightmarish, heart-rending video of mothers in maternity wards clamping their hand over the nose and mouth of desperately struggling infants. (If that doesn’t make you double over in anguish, nothing will.) In Great Britain, researchers using covert video cameras in just two hospitals filmed 33 parents suspected of child abuse, almost all of them mothers, in the act of deliberately smothering their newborns. (Picturing these horrors makes me want to collapse on the floor.)
Other videos, such as the one that aired February 21, 2001, on the Maury (Povich) Show, revealed female babysitters abusing toddlers and even babies – slapping them, banging them on the head with objects, and tossing them around like rag dolls. If a hidden video camera operated day and night in every home in America, who knows how extensive women’s violence against children, theirs and others’, might prove to be
“My fundamental position,” says feminist standard-bearer Margaret Atwood, author of “The Handmaid’s Tale,” “is that women are human beings, with the full range of saintly and demonic behaviors this entails, including criminal ones. They’re not angels, incapable of wrongdoing.”
In When She Was Bad, author Patricia Pearson writes:
Women are more likely to commit major physical abuse of their children than are men: 56.8 percent to 43.2 percent.
Women are more likely to kill their children than are men: 55 percent to 45 percent.
Women commit almost all of the murders of newborns.
“…[A]ccording to the National Center on Health Statistics, the killing of infants climbed 55 percent between 1985 and 1988, until it was several times the rate at which adult women were murdered.” (Emphasis by Male Matters USA.)
(Similar data can be found in The Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law.)
Here’s one reason society thinks men are more sexually abusive than women:
In “The Boy Crisis,” Warren Farrell writes:
“Juvenile detention centers are filled with dad-deprived boys. A US Department of Justice report found that 7.7 percent of boys in these centers reported being sexually abused by adult staff.”
Farrell cites from the Justice Department’s “National Survey of Youth in Custody, 2012”:
“An estimated 92.4% of all youth who reported staff sexual misconduct said they were victimized by female facility staff. Among the estimated 1,390 adjudicated youth who reported victimization, 89.1% were males reporting sexual activity with female staff only….” [Italics Male Matters USA]
Farrell says, “[O]nce uncovered, the systemic sexual abuse by male priests was a worldwide scandal; in contrast, the systemic sexual abuse by the female staff—although uncovered by the Department of Justice—is still ignored.” (Emphasis by Male Matters USA)
Many people, 40 years after the quest for gender equality got underway, still tend to turn a deaf ear to male victimizations and sometimes to tune out male experiences altogether. Our lack of equal compassion for males, which Farrell documents in “The Boy Crisis,” and our proclivity to deny female agency, no doubt drive more than a number of people to avoid empathizing with the boys and to reflexively ask, “But how many of the boys initiated the sex?” It may not occur to them that it doesn’t matter who initiated it, just as it doesn’t matter when adult men have sex with girls who initiated it. Adults must say “No” and show they mean it.
(Regarding internet searches for the topic “women’s violence against children”: I believe much if not most of the media are biased against men and for women. Google, too, seems to exhibit this bias. That’s why, I think, Google’s search-results for the topic yield only links to men’s violence against women. It will not be a happy time for Google when men en masse learn of its bias. For more on female violence, see my commentary “Female violence against males — always provoked?“)
Because of cover-ups, few people are aware of women’s sexual abuse of children. The liberal media and feminist ideologues like Catharine MacKinnon try to prevent us from becoming aware. David Axlyn McLeod, PhD, MSW, reported in November 2013 that “Female sexual offenders are significantly underrepresented in the literature. Largely due to a failure of our society to recognize women as offenders, we allow them to avoid detection, prosecution, and interventions like tracking, registration, or mandated treatment.”
An August 2017 report says, “Most alarmingly, research has found victims sexually abused by both females and males said the abuse committed by females was more psychologically damaging than the abuse committed by males.”
See also the 1994 book Female Sexual Abuse of Children, by Michele Elliott (editor).
“…[W]hen asked about experiences in the last 12 months, men reported being ‘made to penetrate’ — either by physical force or due to intoxication — at virtually the same rates as women reported rape (both 1.1% in 2010, and 1.7% and 1.6% respectively in 2011).”
“In short, men are raped by women at nearly the same rate women are raped by men.”
“A total of 43% of high school boys and young college men reported they had an unwanted sexual experience and of those, 95% said a female acquaintance was the aggressor, according to a study published online in the APA journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity.”
“…[I]f the CDC figures are to be taken at face value, then we must also conclude that, far from being a product of patriarchal violence against women, ‘rape culture’ is a two-way street, with plenty of female perpetrators and male victims.”
You’ve already guessed where I’m going with this:
If without provocation women can batter or kill defenseless little children, whom they are supposedly socialized to love, they can, without provocation, batter or kill men, whom they are told almost daily to fear, distrust, and hate by RFs and much or most of the liberal media.
And if some women can kill men and children, if some can rape men, others can certainly commit the far less innocuous crime of falsely accusing the hated, distrusted, and feared male of sexual harassment.
And if some women can do all that, including using sex to abuse, others can use sex as leverage.
The mostly liberal media often report that men use power to get sex. Typical of their cover-ups to protect women’s image, they never report women using sex (or the promise of it) to attain status and special deals.
“Having sex with a rock star,” says May Wilkerson, “is basically the American dream (or with a YouTube star if you’re under 30)….”
Wilkerson said this in 2017. In the late ’70s, as I said beneath the 2007 Weinstein/McGowan photo, I read a report about groupie girls. I pointed out that some of them would enter the dressing rooms of rock stars or their bandmembers, disrobe, and have sex (often just giving oral sex). Their goal: to attain special status and become part of the rock star’s team, and maybe to be able to brag about it to their friends. (We find that women do initiate sex if they want something badly enough.)
That report was similar to the one in a ’78 edition of Rolling Stone: “It’s one thing to wait outside the gates of Yankee Stadium hoping to snare an autograph from Reggie Jackson. It’s another altogether to give blow jobs at the backstage door to the local kid who works weekends at the civic center when the big bands come to town.”
Then there is Led Zeppelin’s drummer who “slept with 4,500 women.” It is hard for me to imagine that the drummer could devote the time needed to seek out and seduce such a huge number of women. (In my 76 years — as of 2018 — I haven’t talked to that many women.) Most of them undoubtedly came to him. Sometimes they may have waited in line for their turn.
Warren Farrell in my Prelude tells how magazines train the sexes: “…[L]ove and sex are power tools to get success—and therefore both the look of love and the sexual tease/promise are crucial.” (Emphasis by Male Matters USA)
Status and position are power tools for men. Sex is a power tool for women. As said, because of gender politics, the liberal media drumbeat the former into your brain and almost never mention the latter.
What do you think at this point about the media reports on Harvey Weinstein, while bearing in mind women’s aforementioned violent and unscrupulous behavior, as well as their penchant for using sex as a power tool?
In the interest of fairness, justice, and the recognition of female power and agency, it becomes not only appropriate but necessary to point out this:
No doubt for many young, aspiring actors and actresses, to be famous and seen by millions on the big screen is heady stuff, powerful enough to seduce some to cross the line to unscrupulous behavior. They may be farther pushed in that direction by the fierce, aggressive competition for movie roles. How many of Weinstein’s accusers, thinking other starlets may have been using sex to obtain a Weinstein sign-up, promised or initiated sex on the spot to land a role?
On April 13, 2018, in the prosecution’s sexual assault case against Bill Cosby, Janice Dickinson, a former model and reality TV star admitted she fabricated passages in a memoir — including a story of “rebuffing” the comedian’s advances. (Luckily, Cosby got what he deserved).
To be sure, Harvey may have often told a beautiful young female starlet, whether she came on to him or not, something along the line of: “Okay, I’ll see what I can do about getting you a part in my next movie.” Or he may have outright lied, perhaps knowing he could not fit her into any part.
How many of these women now accuse him of assault because after having sex with him a promised deal fell through or was false, a tease, to begin with? If these women take legal action for sexual assault, their accusations would be the counterpart to Harvey’s assaults of the women who declined sex after he offered a deal, or who declined the sex they’d promised after he fulfilled a deal he’d promised.
This seems a good place to ask a defensible and sensible question regarding the above mere 3.6% of women in 2014 who claimed they were sexually harassed at work: What percentage of these women were unscrupulous feminists who wanted to gin up the numbers and falsely claim they were harassed? Who would know they’d lied?
Besides rarely or never discussing women’s violent or unscrupulous behavior, leading feminists and the liberal media rarely or never discuss a male proclivity to be the opposite of violent — men’s desire to rescue. (Men frequently fantasize about being a hero who swoops in to save the world from disaster.)
According to the Carnegie Hero Fund Commission, more than 90 percent of the selfless souls who’ve jumped into flood waters, burst into burning buildings, and rescued often complete strangers from danger or violent assault — sometimes at the cost of their own lives — are male. Far more men pull women from the jaws of violence and death than the other way around.
By ignoring both men’s long history of rescuing people and women’s violence, feminists and the liberal media are able to convincingly use sexual-harassment accusations as “more proof of toxic masculinity.”
To this reporting bias, add the money incentive.
“The mere accusation,” Suzanne Fields writes, “whether proved or not, is worth a ‘settlement’ rather than an expensive and messy trial, as one of the cases against Mr. [Herman Cain, presidential candidate campaigning in 2011] suggests. The lawyers call it ‘damage control.’ Any chief executive officer would tell you that ‘settling,’ even when he believes the accused party is innocent, is usually the easy way out. That’s what his attorneys are telling him, too.”
Increased incentives to complain about sexual harassment likely generate more accusations. RFs may insist that more accusations prove sexual harassment is worsening. And it’s worsening, they may claim, only as a result of heightened misogyny and a male backlash against women asserting themselves. They will likely demand even more legislation and incentives to make it even easier for women to come forward and complain…which in turn will increase the reporting even more…which will further increase RFs’ demands for even more legislation….
“I think we’ve overemphasized gender or sex,” Nadine Strossen says, “and underemphasized harassment. Harassment is harassment – it doesn’t matter what basis you do it on! If I’m harassed because I’m a member of the ACLU or because I have curly hair, it doesn’t matter what the basis [is]. The same is true at work: if anybody is doing something that interferes with your ability to work, it doesn’t matter what in particular they see about you that makes them do that.
“The law [says] that you are protected against religious harassment. If we were to transpose the overly broad concept of any sexual reference to a woman as sexual harassment, then what about an employee talking about gay rights or reproductive freedom in front of an employee who’s a fundamentalist? They could say that it’s religious harassment at work.”
By focusing on gender or sex, we tend to ignore other common forms of harassment.
Postal worker Kimberly Thompson wrote, “Beginning in early 1990 through April 1993, I was continuously harassed by Carolyn Jones, Mary Edwards, [and] Jeanette Michaels [last names are changed]. All are supervisors on my tour [who] caused extreme stress that culminated [in] a forced resignation.”
As Thompson explained, one of these supervisors stole her eyeglasses, and another accused her of having an affair with a co-worker and threatened her on the job and at home. One of them even rammed into her car and came after her with a knife.
After fleeing the knife-wielder, she reported the incident to the police. But when she reported it to the postal inspector, she was told nothing could be done about the knife threat because the incident did not occur on the job. In fact, nothing was done about anything. Even after she returned to work, she continued to be harassed by her supervisors Jeanette Michaels and Mary Edwards, “for any little thing (my seating stool was not in the proper groove or I was too long in the rest room). Michaels and Edwards would come past my station with remarks like ‘We’ve got the right one, baby,’ or ‘There’s always a next time’ and ‘If she has any sense, she would resign before she gets fired, because the next time it’ll stick.’”
Had the emphasis that’s given to sexual harassment been given also to this common but non-sexual harassment – which usually afflicts men – Thompson might have been able to forestall the hostile work environment she was forced to endure. Moreover, we might not automatically picture harassers as male.
By emphasizing gender or sex, we also pay little or no attention to the harassment and humiliation of children by adults.
In 1992, at West Utica Elementary School (Michigan), parent volunteers Pamela Munro and Patti Rosinski accused a 2nd-grade boy of exposing himself in school. They put a letter in the book bags of the boy’s 24 classmates, urging parents to complain to the school district about the boy disrupting class. In the letter, they said the boy’s “outbursts” were “perverse, unruly” and said “at the present time he is suspended for exposing himself to the class.” The boy’s parents, rightly, sued the school and the parent volunteers for false accusations, violation of the boy’s privacy, and damage to their family reputation.
My feeling about this incident is this: Only in a culture which, taking cues from RFs like Catharine MacKinnon, has become hysterical over sexual harassment and has stereotyped males as rapacious beasts, would two adults, possibly feminists, feel the need to punish and humiliate a little seven- or eight-year boy for exposing himself in class. Had the child been a girl, the two women likely would have handled the matter in a private, caring way, so as not to undermine her self-esteem, correctly seeing such a child as misguided and not fully aware of what she had done.
Criticizing the over-emphasis on gender or sex as diminishing women, Katie Riophe writes in The Morning After: Sex, Fear, and Feminism on Campus, “The assumption that women in the workplace can be sexually harassed by male peers or even subordinates – Catharine MacKinnon [argues] the fact that being a man gives you so much more power that [women] need special rules. That [is like] saying that women who are in a position of power aren’t really; their power and their authority is so fragile that a dirty joke by a man [even if he’s a lowly janitor] can puncture all their years of hard work. I find that offensive.” RFs’ version of “sticks and stones”!
The Price of Extremism
“The men in my office are terrified of saying or doing anything that in any way acknowledges the differences between men and women, and many of the women walk around like hand-grenades with their pins half-pulled.” -Nick Wright, Halifax, Nova Scotia, commenting in the New York Times, November 3, 2014, regarding “Street Harassment Law Would Restrict Intimidating Behavior“
Protect-the-woman laws similar to those pertaining to sexual harassment have historically ended up hurting women. Around 1908, in response mostly to pressure from women’s groups (which had power decades before RFs first complained that women have never had power), states began passing hours-limitation laws to prevent employers from requiring female employees to work more than a certain number of days per week and hours per day.
Employers, with less control over women, began barring them from productivity jobs subject to such things as last-minute product orders which, if not fulfilled, would go to the employer’s competitors, thereby hurting everyone in the company. Employers were forced to reserve these jobs for the group still under their total control: men.
But now with a smaller pool of workers available for these jobs, employers were compelled by the law of supply and demand to raise the pay. So began both the division of labor by sex and the sexes’ income gap, now touted by feminists as prima facie evidence of women’s oppression — all started mostly by women wanting to protect women.
It’s not surprising, then, that protect-the-woman legislation regarding sexual harassment is also backfiring on women.
“There’s no doubt about the fact that the climate has been counterproductive,” says Ricki Gaull Silberman, vice-chairman of the EEOC. (Women’s Freedom Network newsletter.) “It limits women’s opportunities, although nobody will admit to it. Managers are afraid to give travel assignments to women, late-night assignments, [work behind] closed doors. We are in danger of reinstituting the protective laws of the early 20th Century that we were so proud of getting rid of in the name of equality.” (See also Rene Denfeld’s The New Victorians: A Young Woman’s Challenge to the Old Feminist Order; it speculates that expanding sexual harassment is part of the antimale war waged by RFs who desire gender segregation.)
Mariana Parks, Vice President at the Seattle-based Washington for Policy Studies, notices the extreme importance of a mentor for anyone serious about a career. “You learn your best lessons from the mistakes you make,” she says, “but someone must be willing to sit down with you and tell you that you’ve screwed up. Now we have created a situation, with the deadly cocktail of affirmative action, EEOC lawsuits, and sexual harassment lawsuits, in which people are increasingly unwilling to tell women what they are doing or have done wrong because it creates a paper trail. In the long run, this will be a huge impediment to women’s advancement.”
Female executives may find male executives becoming more reluctant than ever to include women in their circles, even as diversity programs call for women’s inclusion. Many men, says Judith Tingley in Genderflex: Men & Women Speaking Each Other’s Language At Work, are paralyzed by the fear of saying or doing something that will brand them as sexist pigs guilty of harassment.
“…[S]ince #MeToo took off,” Joanna Williams writes on April 19, 2018, in “Six Months in, #MeToo Has Become Infantilizing and Authoritarian,” “surveys have suggested that men feel uncomfortable mentoring women or working alone with them at the office. As a result, women’s opportunities for promotion may have been set back. And those women are lucky to have employment at all: thanks to concerns raised under the banner of #MeToo, women who worked as Formula 1 ‘grid girls’ have lost their jobs entirely. Putting women out of work they enjoy is now a feminist act.”
…[I]t is clear that sexual harassment policies have damaged the work place as well. Among the less visible costs are: women have acquired the status of victims who require protection from a paternalistic State; women are losing mentors who are unwilling to risk complaints; women are being viewed as “the enemy” by male co-workers who do not associate with them more than is necessary. -Wendy McElroy
Some employers now consider the female employee a potentially greater liability than males. They fear that at some point, probably when a woman is disciplined or fired, she will file a sexual harassment lawsuit and cost their company thousands of dollars just to settle.
“…[T]he law of unintended consequences is among the most potent laws in existence. Governments, for instance, often enact legislation meant to protect their most vulnerable charges but that instead ends up hurting them. Consider the American Disabilities Act (ADA), which was intended to safeguard disabled workers from discrimination. A noble intention, yes? Absolutely — but the data convincingly show that the net result was fewer jobs for Americans with disabilities. Why? After the ADA became law, employers were so worried they wouldn’t be able to discipline or fire bad workers who had a disability that they avoided hiring such workers in the first place.” –Superfreakonomics, 2009, pp. 138-39, paperback
A researcher writes:
A friend of mine who ran one of the largest research firms in California let go a woman who was unable to get along with most of the employees. A few weeks later, she sued him for sexual harassment.
He had no interest in her, had never had a complaint against him for such behavior, nor had anyone in his company ever had a complaint against him for sexual harassment. Well, there was one exception: The woman who filed the complaint had herself been the subject of complaints that she had sexually harassed two different men and discriminated against them when they were unresponsive. Nevertheless, the legal hassle that resulted diverted the firm from its function and catalyzed a decline that eventually led (in conjunction with the recession) to the company’s extinction.
The potential for such destructiveness, says Warren Farrell, “makes even female employers more desirous of hiring men.” Take Pittsburgh restaurateur Sarah J. McCarthy. According to Nadine Strossen, “McCarthy has said that the overly broad concept of sexual harassment as all speech with sexual connotations has made even her, an avowed feminist, ‘fearful of hiring women.’” Many employers, both male and female, may be wondering if they’d be better off operating in another country where business is not terrorized by RFs and political correctness.
“After I gave a speech about the importance of hiring women, even one of my women managers said, ‘I like what you’re saying about hiring women, but the higher up in the company I go, the more afraid I am to hire a woman for the company, ’cause all three of the lawsuits we’ve received have been from women. I’m afraid of being the one to hire somebody who will sue the company.'” –Why Men Earn More
Although Cosmo-type magazines still tell women the workplace is a great place to look for romance, some women now think the workplace offers a dismal place to look.
“Another problem with guys,” says Devon in a letter to romance columnist Cheryl Lavin (July 6, 1997, Detroit Free Press), “is that they’re not sexually aggressive enough [Japanese women’s complaint!]. They don’t know how to sweep a girl off her feet and turn a girl on. They’re too scared and intimidated. The whole ‘90s thing with date rape and sexual harassment suits have made them scared and made sex a lot less fun.” (Spoken truly like someone who sees romantic initiative-taking solely as the responsibility of men — and who is blind to the risks she wants men to take.)
“…[W]e all have to be careful. I don’t know of one executive in this town who will hire a female assistant. That’s the corrupt side of it: Women have claimed that men have done things they haven’t done, and men are afraid.” –Bill Maher, formerly of “Politically Incorrect” Playboy interview, Aug. 1997
Taking the long way out of the quagmire toward a legislation-free solution
Without question, employers must have training programs aimed at preventing such hostile environment cases as female workers being manhandled by people like Harvey Weinstein. They must also stop such quid pro quo incidents as bosses punishing employees who reject advances and giving preferential treatment or promotions to those who accept them, thereby discriminating against all the other workers who were competing for the promotions. Programs designed to stop these kinds of behavior benefit everyone, employers included.
But employers’ programs should also provide a balance to RFs’ interpretations of sexual harassment and RFs’ proposals to curb the harassment through the singular method of punishing harassers and compelling male employees to understand the “female culture.” A balance should reflect an understanding of the male culture, as I have tried to do in this commentary. A balance would show that much of male behavior forms in reaction to female behavior, just as in the reverse. How might this be symbolized? Ball-room dancing, maybe:
She goes round and round because he goes round and round, and he goes round and round because she goes round and round.
A balance in the programs to stop sexual harassment should point out the relevance of women equally sharing the responsibility of initiating male-female relationships.
This equal sharing should be emphasized especially when an employer aspires to be “socially conscious,” or when an employer can’t prohibit – or doesn’t want to prohibit – fraternizing, since to prohibit it would deny employees a major “benefit.”
“When,” Warren Farrell says, “I ask women in my audiences who had entered the workplace when single and later gotten married, to ‘raise your hand if you married a man you met at work (or through a workplace contact – a client, or someone to whom you were a client),’ almost two thirds raised their hands. Another 15 percent of these women lived with or had a long relationship with a man they met while on the job, but never married him.”
As I pointed out in the beginning of this commentary, the sexes generally have different roles in meeting each other, dating, and interacting romantically and sexually. Thus they have a different psychology with regard to each other. Neither sex understands very well the psychology of the other, because neither sex has spent much time in the other’s shoes. That the sexes are often resentful and antagonistic toward each other almost seems a natural outcome. To overcome this, Warren Farrell has for decades conducted — and taught the value of — role-reversal.
To my knowledge, employers’ sexual-harassment prevention programs fail even to suggest women should equally share in initiating the relationships which women equally desire at work and which most employers seem to condone. (A Fortune magazine poll of 200 executives found 79 percent think office romances are not the company’s concern if the unmarried couple remain discreet.)
Thus many men feel they alone are vulnerable to charges of sexual harassment. That feeling of vulnerability will increase as more women learn that even a frivolous charge of harassment won’t be questioned and may earn them a goodly sum of money from employers wanting to avoid the higher costs of litigation and a tarnished image. Most men, untutored on gender issues the way women are, are unable to articulate their vulnerability – and the unfairness – or are afraid to articulate it lest they be penalized or fired for “opposing women,” as happened to James Damore, who filed a class-action lawsuit against his former employer, Google.
If employers’ programs do not tell women they have equal responsibility for initiating workplace romance – and thus ignore men’s vulnerability and views – employers may pay a price. Some men, rather than welcome the changes promoted by diversity, may obstruct them and contribute to the workplace stress and gender alienation that a growing body of experts links to policies on sexual harassment. Other men may simply leave companies whose aggressiveness in preventing a hostile work environment for women has created a hostile work environment for men.*
But there is a more compelling reason that employers’ sexual-harassment prevention programs should encourage female employees to equally share in initiating relationships. The equal sharing would in time curb sexual harassment itself and eliminate or dramatically reduce costly lawsuits. Here’s how.
When women complain that men don’t take their “no” seriously, they imply that women do take men’s “no” seriously. Men’s “no”? How can men say “No” to women if women as a rule don’t directly ask anything of them?
Sometimes a woman says “no” even before she’s asked but means “yes”! In 1986, shortly after a former girlfriend and I broke up, she stopped by my house unannounced one evening. “Let me walk through your house one last time,” she said, motioning for me to follow. At my bedroom door, she paused. “If you think you’re going to get me in that bed, you’ve got another thought coming.” Well, no, the thought hadn’t occurred to me. Minutes later, sitting in her car in my driveway and getting ready to leave, she rolled down her window. “Well, you missed your chance,” she said, and drove away. Toxic femininity gone berserk?
Suppose a new woman in my life meets me at my house after our first date. She says, “Give me the tour.” At my bedroom door, she pauses. “If you think you’re going to get me in that bed, you’ve got another thought coming.” I take her No-before-being-asked very seriously. A little later, sitting in her car in my driveway and getting ready to leave, she rolls down her window. “Well, you missed your chance,” she says, and drives away. When I call a few days later for a second date, she tells me she something has come up and….
Here might be a good place to reiterate one of Bernie Zilbergeld’s observations:
The problem for the male is to differentiate between refusals that are real and those that are ambivalent or merely facades. If a man backs off when a refusal seems to be a facade, he may fear that not only will he lose out on a possibly great relationship, but also will be viewed by the woman as a wimp for not trying or not trying hard enough and lacking the daring male bravado many women desire.
Men’s “no” generally occurs when men decline to take direct initiatives in response to women’s indirect initiatives. Suppose a woman takes a Cosmo-recommended indirect initiative, such as brushing up against a man in an elevator and smiling at him. If he merely returns a smile and goes back into his thoughts, this is, in her view, his way of saying “no” to her indirect initiative, to her gesture of interest in him. As a woman might explain, “If I gush at a guy, ‘That shirt/jacket/sweater looks awesome on you,’ and he doesn’t pick up on that by talking to me and sooner or later suggesting lunch or something, I figure he’s telling me to forget it. He’s clearly saying ‘no’ to me.”
Not only do men tell women “no” by declining to take initiatives, but it appears women take men’s “no” quite seriously. To them, men’s “no” definitely means no.
That’s because, I believe, throughout their entire lives women see men, in both the real world and the fictional, make their interest in a woman perfectly clear by going right up to her and asking for what they want in words not open to interpretation. The male’s direct and unambiguous initiative-taking has taught the female to believe that if the man she is flirting with is interested and wants to go out with her, he will unequivocally ask, “Want to go out with me?” And it has taught her that if he doesn’t want to go out with her, he will utter nothing except perhaps small talk; he will take no initiative with her at all.
The male’s clear-cut, unambiguous courting behavior has convinced the female that when her flirting – her indirect initiative-taking – is ignored, the man is plainly not interested. No point in her continuing to flirt with the man who fails to make an overture. No point in persisting with someone known for making his interest clear by taking initiatives, and also known for making his lack of interest clear by not taking initiatives. (Some women do persist with flirting on the sometimes-correct assumption that the man is shy and needs encouragement.)
In contrast, most women, by not taking clear-cut, male-type direct initiatives with a man who stirs their interest, often make their interest unclear. When, for example, a woman “shows her romantic interest” in a male co-worker by giving him a Brad Pitt-look-alike compliment, and she herself doesn’t request a get-together, the man may hear ambiguity and think: “Does she have the hots for me, or is she just making an observation about my looks?” Considering the hysteria over sexual harassment, he may also think, especially if he doesn’t know her well, “Is she setting me up to come on to her so she can charge sexual harassment and tap the company for big bucks for being ‘offended’?”
In theory, sexual harassment law applies to both sexes. In practice, it applies virtually only to men, since they alone are assigned the role of initiating male-female relationships. Some young women are beginning to see this role as theirs, too, and are taking more direct, male-type initiatives, something I often experienced first-hand at singles dances in my unmarried days.
But one young woman, who is attractive and outrageously successful, says she never approaches a guy first. “I assume,” singer Taylor Swift says, “that if someone is interested in me they will come up and talk to me — and if they want to call me up afterwards, then they will.” What if a man said that? How many women would he meet? What would people think of him? If such a man were known by everyone at a singles gathering, would he be the butt of quiet jokes?
Most women, it seems, still leave all or the bulk of the initiative-taking to men. Such women include even the accomplished, seemingly feminist Nicole Beland, a former senior editor at Cosmo and Mademoiselle magazines. She produced a column, “Ask the Girl Next Door,” for Men’s Health. In it, she advised men how to connect with women. She appears to be an expert in sex and male-female relationships. In the January/February 2004 Men’s Health, she writes: “I’ll spot a good-looking guy in a coffee shop, at the bookstore or in a bar and will immediately pretend he isn’t there. My thought: if he’s attracted to me and looking to meet someone new, he’ll say something. I’ll purposely look in the other direction. So yes, it’s shyness and pride, but mostly it’s our annoying, persistent female reluctance to make the first move.” [Emphasis added.]
Is Nicole Beland a pick-and-choose feminist who wants equality except where she doesn’t want it — and evokes the hypocrisy that discourages even many liberal men from warmly embracing feminism?
Think of the bind that women like Beland put men in: a woman can purposely look the other way either because she wants to avoid a man or because she’s interested. (This is just one example of how women’s “signals” can vary and be impossible to read.)
Thus the man approaching a woman who is “purposely” looking the other way is, from his view, at risk of getting anything from a polite, ebullient “Oh, hi, how are you?” to a belligerent, humiliating “Get out of my face!” from a follower of Catharine MacKinnon. In the workplace, men, especially bosses, risk losing their jobs approaching such women at work. It continues to amaze me that experts such as Beland, even in the 21st century, still want to keep the courting arena in the 1950s, without realizing — or without caring about — the risk of sexual-harassment accusations they ask men to take.
Some women show their interest by showing a lack of interest! But all women show their lack of interest by showing a lack of interest.
Couldn’t this be considered toxic femininity?
If women equally shared the responsibility for initiating relationships, how would this help curb the on-the-job sex harassment, which is manifested largely in men’s persistent requests of women and men’s retaliation for rejection?
By taking direct, male-type initiatives, women would become known as persons (as opposed to sex objects) who make their romantic interests undeniably clear, just as men do. In turn, men would see – just as women do now – little or no value in persisting after being refused by someone known for taking her own direct romantic initiatives when interested. Why persist with someone known for making her romantic interest clear by taking direct initiatives, and known for signaling her lack of interest to a man by not taking initiatives? “Why try twice with such a woman,” a man would think, “if she has never expressed interest in me, and then still expressed no interest after I showed interest in her? She clearly isn’t interested.”
If women equally shared the initiative-taking, presumably some would make persistent requests of men, and more men might complain of sexual harassment.
But the combined persistence from both women and men would be less than men’s persistence currently is. (There will always be some men and women who, perhaps unable to accept rejection easily, have a hard time taking “no” for an answer.) That’s because men as a whole would become considerably less persistent as they learned that a “no” from a woman known for directly initiating her own relationships truly does mean “no.”
Assigning the initiator role only to males is more than sexist. It is illogical if it’s true women want relationships more than do men (they don’t; it’s about equal), and they feel harassed by men’s “come-ons.”
“If you think this system no longer applies, then just watch how people behave at parties or nightclubs. Subconsciously, men will only approach a woman if they feel that they have more than an eighty percent chance of being accepted. This is where flirting and sex signals become important. In a sense they are a code used between humans to test the levels of mutual attraction before visibly acting and thus risking rejection. Where people are watching and a rejection is taking place, the person doing the rejecting [usually the woman, since usually the man does the approaching] often exaggerates the act so that the spectators are in no doubt as to who is the loser. Sometimes seen as cruel, this is actually a form of self protection. The person doing the rejection cannot afford the peer-group doubt that they themselves might have been rejected.”
“The danger of being visibly rejected is that it encourages others to reject you, too. In this case it’s just another form of peer pressure; i.e., ‘If Janice rejected Mike, maybe there’s something wrong with him? Maybe I should reject him, too, just in case. Hell, I don’t want to be seen with Janice’s reject anyway.’”
What is a man’s self-protection against this female behavior? He must put her down also! “Thanks. I just noticed how slutty-looking you are.”
Another example of how male-only initiative-taking alienates the sexes:
“Girls tease and practice, whereas most guys are for real. Girls that reject a guy often go up in the estimation of their friends (they have high standards) whereas a guy that fails always goes down in the estimation of his friends (loser). Guys have learnt that even if all the signals are ‘right,’ they can still be rejected.” [Emphasis by Male Matters]
Does all this at least partly explain why some insecure men get angry and take revenge when they are rebuffed?
An equal sharing of the romantic initiative-taking would do more than curb male persistence. It would also reduce the sexual put-downs and other mistreatment that can make women feel demeaned and uneasy at work. That’s because an equal sharing of the initiative-taking would increase men’s respect for women, the lack of which many RFs say is a primary fuel for male harassment of women.
Here’s why men’s respect for women would grow. It’s said soldiers fighting in a war bond with each other because they have a common enemy and are there for each other as each other’s protector. No doubt this explains these men’s bonding to a large degree. But mostly what bonds men in combat, I believe, is their knowledge that they share a common role in which they all share the same risks, the risks of physical danger and psychological terror. By knowing that all the other soldiers share their dangerous role and hence share the same risks they take, combat soldiers acquire for one another the respect that is the principal glue for the bonding between them. For those men who refuse to share the risks, they have only contempt. Many war veterans, for example, scorned former President Clinton for being a “draft dodger,” someone unwilling to share the risks they took. (“Draft dodger,” by the way, is a sexist double standard: how will these veterans look upon the first female president, who was legally able to avoid the draft altogether? Geraldine Ferraro, the first female candidate for vice-president, was not burdened, as male candidates are, by having to prove bravery with a combat record of risking life and limb.)
Suppose women equally shared the risk-taking that comes with equally sharing the initiative-taking required to create relationships (which lead to marriage and children). Men would stop seeing women as demanding “equality in relationships” while at the same time playing the old Cosmo sexual games and refusing to share the risk-taking. They’d stop seeing women as demanding equality while resisting equality, an unfairness and double standard no one discusses.
If women equally shared the risks of initiating relationships, men would not resent them for unfairly expecting men to risk not only sometimes painful rejection when reaching out to the other sex at work but a career-smashing charge of sexual harassment as well.
“Both traditional and nontraditional men perceive women who ask for dates as kinder, warmer, more thoughtful, and less selfish than women who do not ask for dates.” –From a study co-written by Dr. Charlene Muehlenhard, University of Kansas psychologist and researcher whose work has not been very understanding of men – (I read this statement in a publication in a book store some years ago. Since then, I have not been able to find an internet source for it.)
Were the initiative-taking equally shared, men would undergo the female’s role of being asked. Spending time in this role would enhance men’s respect for women even further. Men would experience first-hand the awkwardness in being asked out by a boss or another person to whom they are uncomfortable saying no. They would learn that because saying no can be difficult, it can be easy to give the impression they are “leading someone on” and being a “tease.”
Conversely, if women directly initiated relationships the way men do, women would respect men more as well. Instead of seeing all men as potential harassers who want to “dominate females by reducing them to a sexual role,” as RFs see men, a woman assuming the role of initiator would learn first-hand something important: she could easily be “led on,” and that being led on could at times lead her to become persistent with her requests for dates and so forth.
Such a woman would learn, too, how she could be affected by anxieties over being rejected by a man face to face (especially if she thought her advances might be overheard by others in the office). She might discover that she could become so anxious about being rejected that she might totally focus on “selling” herself as Ms. Wonderful, as someone much too great to reject!
As we all know, many people, both men and women, have difficulty saying “No” to a salesperson. I have had it at times, and I’ve heard my wife engage in rather long phone conversations with a caller selling a product or service she has no intention of buying. When she finally musters the courage to say “No,” I can imagine how angry the caller must have been after being “led on.” A lot of other people, however, don’t muster that courage and wind up buying something they never wanted or needed.
A similar dynamic takes place between the sexes on the single scene:
A woman is usually pretty sure that the man who asks her out has a genuine interest in her, whether for romance or just sex (meaning she is unsure only of his intent, not his interest). That’s because she knows he took the time to look her over, then risk rejection to approach her and request a get-together.
For the man, it can be very different. He is aware that women (like men) can have a hard time saying “No,” and so a woman may accept a date — and sometimes even a second and third date — from a man she has little or no interest in. Thus, while the woman is usually pretty certain of his interest, the man is often not certain of hers, even on a second or third date. This male uncertainty may go a long way to explain some men’s need, at least early in a relationship, to be braggadocios who “over-sell” themselves.
This intense focus on the self – on “selling” herself to escape rejection – would often cause a woman to tune out the man’s feelings and his attempts to hint “I’m not interested” without hurting her feelings. Thus a woman in the initiator role would learn how easy it is to be seen as “coming on too strong” and being persistent. (In our current male-initiates arrangement, the man who “comes on too strong” is only the counterpart of the woman who “attracts too strongly” by wearing too much makeup or too little clothing).
In experiencing the pressure to “sell” herself, she would learn how “coming on too strong” and being insensitive to a man’s feelings could earn her the label “insensitive jerk.” Aware she could be called a jerk by some men no matter how sensitive she was, she might adjust her approach by putting up a protective, nothing-can-hurt-me front, thus appearing “invulnerable,” “unfeeling” – “male” traits society presently had rather condemn rather than try to understand.
In sum, through an equal sharing of the initiative-taking, men and women in the workplace would gain more respect for each other, and in time there would be a significant reduction in on-the-job accusations of sexual harassment, both frivolous and legitimate. Workplace tension between the sexes would decrease, and so would sexual harassment’s high cost to business.
Contrary to the notions of political correctness and feministsplaining, women have as much to learn about men as the other way around.
Overcoming the resistance to an equality-based change
An impediment to this equality-based approach to curbing sexual harassment is the absence of diverse thinking about the problem.
RFs, having convinced society women are victims (not without a price: many women, for example, today seem to be instilled with unprecedented fear and anger, which is bad for one’s physical and mental health), insist the only change needed is in men and the legal system. The idea that women should have to do anything besides reporting offenses strikes many RFs as ludicrous and, worse, as blaming the victim (hence all the feministsplaining). At the least, RFs are unable, or unwilling, to see a connection between men being assigned the initiator role and men being accused of the harassment. To RFs, apparently, this is mere coincidence.
Perhaps they see no connection because they think of male initiating as male power — which would be puzzling, since RFs don’t tell women to grab some of that power by doing the initiating. Never mind that men report feeling not power when taking initiatives with women but fear of rejection and ridicule if they are “Mr. Wrong,” or if they initiate “improperly” – too fast, too slowly, too crudely…. Men’s fear when taking initiatives with women at work has been ratcheted up by the added possibility of a sexual harassment accusation. As for power, a man may indeed feel powerful if Ms. Right accepts, but no more so than the woman does when Mr. Right asks.
Why do women wear makeup and men don’t?
Women’s makeup is a long-established, direct result of the male-initiates rule, which assigns to men the role of “seducer” and to women the role of “inducer.”
Makeup, along with other beauty enhancers like push-up bras and revealing clothing, is more than just an expression of femininity and conformity to societal expectations. It’s also used to compete against other women who vie for men’s attention. It helps a woman to induce men to approach and take the initiatives she herself doesn’t take or takes fewer of (refer to the above Cosmo recommendations of how a woman should induce men). To verify this, ask women if they would go out looking for men without wearing makeup. (Women’s reasons abound for wearing makeup, some of them having to do with power.)
A man, as an initiator, as a seducer, doesn’t need makeup to get a woman’s attention. When he wants it, he approaches her and introduces himself. That initiative-taking gets him her attention, whether it’s positive or negative.
The male seduces/the female induces is the fundamental behavior that results in the female as a sex/beauty object and the male as a success/status object. If females did the seducing and men the inducing, men instead of women would wear makeup. This is just one example of how behavior produces outcomes we ordinarily don’t link to behavior and instead wrongly attribute to “attitudes,” which themselves stem from our reactions to behavior.
For now, RFs’ views on sexual harassment rule the day. They are generally embraced by institutions and the mainstream media, which never debate whether women ought to equally share in initiating relationships, although they frequently report that men should equally share in such “female” roles as housecleaning (to the wife’s standards!).
The rigid, unforgiving feminist notions about sexual harassment, as well as about men, are universal and entrenched. As a result, many who think differently about sexual harassment feel intimidated into silence. Their will to speak up is squashed by the gender politics and by the lack of strong support one ordinarily needs to challenge heavy-handed bureaucratic attitudes. Few forums arise to explore the concept of sexual harassment with intellectual honesty and a free-flowing, anything-goes exchange of views.
To curb sexual harassment, employers, for their part, can do more about sexual harassment than merely lecturing that ‘no’ means ‘no,’ which everyone but RFs concedes isn’t always true. They can include in their training programs staged role reversals in which male and female employees swap their traditional courting roles (females become the initiator, males the passive reactor) and conduct mock romantic encounters and dates.
Sexual harassment regulation may get worse before it gets better. So may relations between the sexes and between male and female employees. For the time being, employers’ potential for liability may grow. Employers may need all the more to train their employees, ideally through gender role-reversal training, to create a culture of empathy and understanding that automatically self-polices against sexual harassment.
Some consider such role reversals irrelevant or absurd or the workplace too staid and serious for such “play.” Yet precedents exist for using this role-reversal training in programs to curb sexual harassment. Many employers already conduct role-reversal training whereby employees and supervisors trade roles to acquire a deeper understanding of what each other experiences, thus helping bring down the “Us against them” wall that often stands between them and creates hostility or uneasiness where none need be.
Police agencies conduct programs that allow officers and “criminals” to trade places in play situations to help the officers prevent or mitigate clashes in real situations. Many family counselors implement role reversals for feuding parents and teenagers, and for troubled husbands and wives. Such reversals are considered highly effective in allaying tension that arises out of the inability of two individuals, or two groups, to understand each other. They can frequently illuminate what has been muddled or distorted by verbal communication and turned into cause for animosity.
If you are a woman and want to know what it’s like to be a man, I recommend Norah Vincent’s Self-Made Man: One Woman’s Journey into Manhood and Back Again.
“It was the woman’s job to be on the defensive, because past experience had taught her to be. It was the guy’s job to be on the offensive, because he had no choice. It was that or never meet at all.”
“In fact, we sit there and we just with one word, ‘no,’ will crush someone,” she said. “We don’t have to do the part where you cross the room and you go up to a stranger that you’ve never met in the middle of a room full of people and say the first words. And those first words are so hard to say without sounding like a cheeseball or sounding like a jerk.”
“People see weakness in a woman and they want to help. They see weakness in a man and they want to stamp it out.”
“My prejudice was that the ideal man is a woman in a man’s body. And I learned, no, that’s really not. There are a lot of women out there who really want a manly man, and they want his stoicism.”
“There is a time in a boy’s life when the sweetness is pounded out of him; and tenderness, and the ability to show what he feels, is gone.”
“I really like being a woman. … I like it more now because I think it’s more of a privilege.”
To an extent, some employers already see the value of role reversals in their harassment training. A group of male air traffic controllers was forced to let female participants fondle them, and had to look at photos of male sex organs. This was a crude, sexist RF-influenced “role reversal” training that was designed, as usual, to “educate” only the male workers. Its sole intent was to allow the female employees to show the men “how it felt” to have to endure one type of sexual harassment, even though most, if not all, of the male participants had never harassed anyone.
(Note that photos of male sex organs were used in this reversal, not female, as should have been to create a true reversal. The trainers dared not use photos of female genitalia, lest they themselves be accused of harassment by the women out to show men how it felt! They may have also thought the men would be turned on, not off, by pictures of female genitalia. One implication of showing only male genitalia is that harassment training itself must be careful never to offend women, but may offend men with impunity. Which, of course, is one reason some men feel harassed by harassment training.)
“Sexual harassment legislation in its current form renders all male employees unequal to all female employees. It violates the 14th Amendment’s guarantee of equal protection without regard of sex. Thus the political will to protect women prevails over the constitutional mandate to protect both sexes equally.” –Warren Farrell
A few years ago I wrote and distributed a pamphlet about how everyone can help create world peace. I stressed that to reduce the ill will responsible for much conflict between nations, as well as between groups and between individuals, people must, trite and meaningless as it may sound, understand each other (and themselves). I said the best way to do this – the best way to implement what I called the “principle of understanding” – is for two individuals or groups at odds with each other to assume each other’s role, where possible, and walk a few miles in each other’s shoes.
Taking on the role of another, walking in his or her moccasins may be the best method of applying the principle of understanding.
Especially when sustained, role assuming lets us personally undergo and assimilate the influences of another’s environment which are too subtle or too complex to communicate verbally but which are necessary to experience if we intend to understand why certain people attain their beliefs, why they are the way they are, why they are our enemies. In sum, role assuming lets us, to an appreciable degree, “be” the other person. “Being” the other person helps us develop the empathy and emotional connectedness essential to both interpersonal and international peace.
How much we can “be” and understand another person via role-assuming may be affected by our socialization. The housewife trying on her husband’s provider role might not feel the same impact and stress her husband feels in that role. That’s because men are still socialized more than females to seek financial success or status to attract the other sex and to gain society’s approval.
By the same token, men likely experience less anxiety than women in “female” roles because of less pressure to maintain an image of competence in these roles. Obviously there are mitigating factors (including our subtly operating biases) which a role assumer should be aware of to maximize the understanding sought.
After participating in role-reversed mock encounters and dates, many men and women for the first time get an inkling of what the other sex goes through in the courting arena. They suddenly see the other sex in a new, better light. More important, they learn that much hostile-environment sexual harassment, especially persistent requests for dates and so forth, can be the by-product of misreadings and misunderstandings resulting from the sexes’ different courting roles — and that sexual harassment is not, as RFs have stonily maintained, the method by which men at work conspire to subjugate women.
These sex-role reversals as part of training should appeal to the bold, cutting-edge employers who wish to move beyond political correctness to a whole new way of looking at sexual harassment — and at women and men. They present employers the opportunity to curb sexual harassment with an equality-minded approach that reflects an understanding of both the female culture and the male culture, thereby gaining the respect of all employees, including, possibly, even the respect of some radical feminist employees.
Objective legal minds may eventually prevail upon the courts to reverse sexual-harassment regulations’ attack on first and 14th amendment rights in the workplace. But while waiting for this long shot to occur, employers may be able to reduce their potential for lawsuits via the more benign, low-cost method of regular role-reversal training.
In the wake of the numerous 2017 sexual harassment allegations against celebrities, some radical feminists have chosen not to understand the alienating courting behavior between the sexes and how women contribute. Instead, they have already come out smearing all men in RFs’ typical “all women are innocent victims and all men are victimizers” fashion.
Michelle Goldberg says in The New York Times (home of radical feminists and the flagship male-trasher), “Sure, Franken made plenty of sexist jokes when he was with “Saturday Night Live,” but I thought he was one of the good guys. (I thought there were good guys.)”
Roxane Gay writes in her October 19 commentary in The New York Times (of course) “Dear Men: It’s You, Too”:
“There is no escaping the inappropriate attentions and intentions of men.”
Harvey Weinstein, Gay says, is “famous but utterly common.” Oh? Never in my 76 years have I seen or even caught a whiff of a man like Weinstein, and I have spent prolonged time around hundreds of men and women in work settings with my ear to the gossip mill. Word gets around. I worked in the federal government for 27 years. In one year throughout my entire agency across the country, only four harassment allegations were made, and based on what I now know, chances are one of them was false.
In my office no complaints of sexual harassment ever arose. How do I know? Because, as I said, word gets around. One couple was caught having sex in a supply room, and the next day it was known throughout the office. (The man and the woman had been in a relationship for some time.)
I did witness obscene behavior on the part of some female employees. One day a woman was strolling around the office as mostly women laughed in her direction. I moved in for a closer look. She was wearing an apron around her waist and flipping it up and down. Underneath the apron, I soon learned, was faux genitalia, not female genitalia, male. This was at the height of a 1980s sexual-harassment frenzy. No one complained, though in retrospect I should have. Imagine a man walking around flipping up an apron to expose female genitalia. During work hours. On federal property. Would the women have laughed? Or would the man have lost his job and tens of thousands of dollars in salary and retirement benefits?
Around that same time, another woman handed out copies of crude sex-humor comics, copies she’d made on the federal government’s copier. The comics put down male characters. Again, picture a man handing out crude sex-humor comics that put down women.
Because of the “male seduces/the female induces” behavior, women in general resort to makeup and beauty enhancers and turn themselves into beauty-sex objects to (among other things) induce men to take the initiatives women have been socialized — by family, friends, parents, the media, tradition — not to take.
The “male initiates” rule, with the constant threat of rejection it carries for men, may harden the male psyche toward females. It may lead many men to reduce the female to an unimportant object who can’t hurt them. (Unimportant objects have less power to hurt than important people; ask women who call men “jerks.”) Reducing a woman to an object may also prevent a man from picking up on a woman’s hurt.
The male-initiates rule, especially when teamed up with the male’s strife to become financially successful, can create a man who doesn’t dare express his personal feelings in probably most settings.
I say to feminists and the media, especially the generally anti-male liberal media such as The New York Times:
It’s time to try something different. Start by listening to men a little bit more and to radical feminists like Catharine MacKinnon and Roxane Gay a little less. It may be hard to believe, but at some point you must stop asking us to understand only those who are harassed and start asking us to understand — without the feministsplaining — why some men harass. To defeat a “disease,” you must understand the disease and not just its victims.
You might also help your Democratic Party:
“Republicans don’t have near as big a woman problem as Democrats have a man problem.” –Wall Street Journal
What’s that sound? It’s my heavy sigh. Asking society to make the change I recommend is akin to asking someone to relocate an ocean with a teaspoon. Too many people of both sexes have too much invested in the status quo. Liberals — half of the population — won’t ask for change due perhaps in part to their gender identity politics and their fear of aggressive Catharine MacKinnonites.
Why are feminist groups quiet about the inequality I’ve painstakingly laid out? Could the answer be: They worry about offending their members who support the inequality? If so, they are admitting they want to maintain a tradition — while opposing all other traditions! — that is responsible for what may be the sexes’ most alienating and destructive behavioral difference, the behavioral difference I believe spawns most of the sexual harassment that both feminist groups and millions of other people have for decades condemned and blamed solely on men.
We see a disturbing example of the National Organization for Women’s fear of offending their membership in Warren Farrell’s “The Boy Crisis”:
“I argued [to NOW] that children were the priority, not women or men, and that even the nascent evidence we had at that time suggested that children did better with both parents. Many board members were sympathetic, but they felt that NOW’s primary mission was to support women and that if NOW undermined its political base it would undermine its ability to support women. Since the midseventies, then, the National Organization for Women’s chapters nationwide have almost universally supported a mother’s right to choose who parents a child of divorce. Mothers’ rights trumped equal rights. Politics trumped equality. “
Here’s why I think radical feminists such as Roxane Gay, Gloria Steinem, and The New York Times editors can’t change their views on sexual harassment and the male-female dynamic in general:
They may be driven not only by their goal to cast the female as a victim (perhaps to insure their relevance as saviors of women in a den of “male beasts,” and to keep women in the Democratic Party’s camp). They may also be driven by their need to be right about their views when that need is seeded, as it often is in most or all of us, by the fear of being wrong about their views — hence by the universal need to “save face.”
On the need to be “right”
If an ideological feminist manages to read this entire commentary, she (or he) is unlikely to admit where I might be right.
That’s not just because she can be as rigid in her thinking as she may think men are. It may be also because of human beings’ often deep-seated need to be “right.” In her case she may feel the need to be right about her and other like-minded feminists’ ideas. Frequently we try to prove our ideas are right because we truly believe they are. Other times, though, we stand by them because we fear being made to look “wrong” (a prime ingredient in ill will between individuals, groups, and countries).
The fear of being “wrong,” I believe, can run deep and powerful in all of us. But it runs especially strong in those who take their opinions to the pubic, as feminist leaders do.
It is hard for me to imagine NOW’s chief Toni Van Pelt, perhaps after she read Warren Farrell’s Why Men Earn More, going on television and confessing, “Boy, was I wrong about the gender wage gap!” She knows this is not what NOW’s rank and file, generally steeped in female victimology, want to hear. Were she to make that confession, she’d likely be pilloried. Her organization might collapse like a house of cards in a wind storm. Moreover, she’d be at risk of losing her high-status job, her likely high income, and her continual, ego-gratifying moments in the sun while being handled with kid gloves by her handmaidens in the mainstream media.
She is like any other male pontificator: trapped by the fear of being seen as “wrong” about long-publicized perceptions.
Thus she is trapped in her fear of listening to men such as Warren Farrell — trapped in her fear of changing, trapped in the way men are trapped and assailed for, trapped into being exactly like men.
Suppose Roxane Gay read this commentary (if only!) and became utterly convinced she was wrong about men. Would she then write an op-ed saying she is wrong? Not likely. Why? Because she has gone public and told thousands if not millions of people there are no good men. She has many supporters, including The New York Times. If she did publish her changed views, what would happen? She’d likely lose the vast majority of her supporters, perhaps including close friends who might scorn her for “betraying” them. She’d also lose the pay from the liberal outlets publishing her anti-male views.
My money says Gay would remain silent. Or she would continue the same sexist feministsplaining.
The deeply entrenched need to be right keeps many of us deeply entrenched in the need to alienate the sexes.
A final note on the breadth of sexual harassment
According to General Social Survey, as said, only 3.6 percent of women claimed they were harassed at work in 2014 (there’s a downward trend). The percentage of women may be a bit less than 3.6 percent given that some ideological feminists, in my view, may have falsely claimed harassment to ratchet up the numbers.
Only 2 percent of men may be harassers, since the typical harasser appears to be a serial harasser.
Turn the figures around to the positive: 96.4 women in the survey were not harassed, and about 98 percent of men don’t harass.
One might not argue “There is no sexual-harassment problem,” but he or she might say there is no epidemic and no need for action beyond advising harassed women to take harassers to court and letting the chips fall where they may.
But maybe the above survey vastly understates the breadth, as some readers no doubt think and other surveys show. Moreover, besides at the workplace, sexual harassment takes place where laws often defy compliance: on the street, in bars, at conventions, and elsewhere. The breadth of the problem may indeed be vast.
So I would think my sea-change recommendation on how to wade out of the quagmire for good bears relevance.
My personal situation
Over my many working years, I never harassed anyone, though some of the women I complimented and asked out may have been told by office feminists they were “harassed.” But I never heard this, and no charges were made.
When I approached women in my single years, my thought in response to those who said no to me was always: I won’t ask again. My slogan was “If you play hard to get, I play easy to lose.” For me, it was a matter of not wanting to humiliate myself. I think the vast majority of men take this view.
Many women approached me. (To be outrageously immodest for a moment, I’ve always been considered handsome. Good-looking guys, as I said, don’t have much reason to harass.) Many other women made it crystal clear to me they were interested, at work and at singles gatherings. This was especially true at the hundred or so singles dances I attended. I rarely sat at a table. I preferred to stand near the dance floor in the crowd watching the dancers. Sometimes a woman weaving her way through the crowd bumped against me or let her purse do the bumping. Other times women would stand very close to me, hoping, I suppose, I’d say something and ask them to dance. More than once, a woman stood close to me on one side and another close on the other. Sometimes I declined to ask either for a dance, not wanting to make the unasked one feel bad.
Sexual harassment indeed seems to have become a quagmire. But we have no chance of addressing it, I think, if all we do is take punitive measures against harassers. Sometimes the “victimizer” needs to be understood as much as the “victim,” maybe more so. We certainly need to understand the germs and viruses causing disease more than we do those afflicted.
If you believe this, and believe my views warrant consideration, please spread this far and wide.
Ultimately “toxic femininity” might be defined as women’s unequal initiative-taking. But I prefer not to label behavior. To slap a label on behavior, especially a negative one without a thorough, objective explanation and time spent in others’ shoes, is to do a disservice to the person or group labeled.
By sprinkling “toxic femininity” here and there in my commentary, I hoped to convey the point that when we label men’s “harassing” behavior “toxic masculinity” without spending time in men’s shoes, we disrespect men and perpetuate anti-male. In the end, we only alienate the sexes further.
Is this where we stand as of January 2, 2018, as illustrated by this video at Fox & Friends:
In the first picture clipped at 00:28 seconds from the Fox & Friends video linked to above (the pictures do not link to the actual video), the gregarious, animated Marilu Henner (star in “Taxi”) lays her hand on Brian Kilmeade’s knee. Is she just over-friendly and unconscious of what’s she doing — or is she signalling interest in Brian?
At 01:34 below, Henner becomes still more friendly. One might think she’s mauling Kilmeade on live TV!
In 2018, is this where we are regarding sexual harassment: A woman can freely and publicly lay hands on a man’s knee, shoulder, and thigh, while we would not dare permit that to happen the other way around?
Had Kilmeade lost his mind and done the same laying-on-of-hands to Henner, it’s likely Fox News would have been forced to fire him after all the media came ablaze with the proof of his “toxic masculinity,” his “brazenness to possess and dominate Henner.”
Many of the men watching the segment may have sensed the double standard and felt their resentment deepen.
By the way, I’m pretty sure Henner wasn’t interested in Kilmeade. She’s merely an effervescent, expressive person. I’m kind of the same way.
Truth-based Comic Relief
“Safe sex” has a different meaning for men than it does for women.–Unknown
Sexual harassment exists because men believe it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission. –Unknown
“When men talk dirty to women, it’s sexual harassment, but when women talk dirty to men, it’s $6.95 a minute.” —Albert Schafer, President, Coalition of Parent Support San Diego
Saturday Night Live: “Sexual Harassment and You“
My “biological” explanation for the traditional male-initiates behavior:
In the courting arena, at the workplace and elsewhere, it has been up until very recent times the custom that only men do the approaching and initiating of relationships, while women waited to be asked.
When did this custom start? I believe its genesis can be traced to our hominid era a million years ago when we were animals evolving into humans.
As you’d imagine, females of the era often were impregnated and had offspring. It’s possible a huge number of pregnant females and females with babies took themselves out of the mating arena – or tried to do so by fleeing, the hominid woman’s “No.”
That generally meant far fewer females at any given moment were available for sex.
The lopsided ratio fueled the males’ need to move in fast to beat the competition. Hence males initiated even before females realized they, too, wanted sex. (Sometimes females were fought over, leading to males evolving with generally bigger stature and muscles.)
It’s not that female hominids didn’t initiate. They did, judging by today’s animals. I’ve seen lionesses back up to lions who weren’t particularly interested at first. Female chimpanzees do likewise to male chimps. Female monkeys? They’re sexual predators:
“We spent a day following Deidrah, a relatively tranquil, low-key female monkey, who was nevertheless relentlessly stalking — sexually stalking — her object of desire. If there’s any objectification going on in the monkey kingdom, it’s the females objectifying the males, chasing them, and sort of all but forcing them. It wasn’t just Deidrah, of course — it was all the female monkeys that we were following….”
For people, the “male initiates” endured the millennia, from our hominid era to our human era. It eventually became viewed among civilized humans as “natural behavior,” paving the way to evolving into a custom because “That’s the way things are ‘supposed to be,’” with both sexes in roughly equal number supporting and enforcing it.
PRIMARY REFERENCES (Search for the books at http://www.Amazon.com):
- Ceasefire! Why Women and Men Must Join Forces to Achieve True Equality, Cathy Young
- “And You Wonder Why There is a ‘Glass Ceiling,'” commentary by Charlotte Allen
- Defending Pornography, Nadine Strossen
- Heterophobia: Sexual Harassment and The Future of Feminism, Daphne Patai
- The Myth of Male Power, Warren Farrell (www.warrenfarrell.com)
- The New Victorians: A Young Woman’s Challenge to the Old Feminist Order, Rene Denfeld
- Who Stole Feminism: Women Betraying Women, Christina Hoff Sommers
- What To Do When You Don’t Want to Call the Cops, Joan Kennedy Taylor
- Why Men Are The Way They Are, Warren Farrell
- Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, Warren Farrell
- Women’s Freedom Network newsletter (www.womensfreedom.org)
- A free online book: Is There Anything Good About Men: How Cultures Flourish By Exploiting Men
*The hostile environment we’d hear most about would be workplace deaths – if 94% of those deaths occurred to women rather than to men. Unfortunately for men, society continues to care more about how many women are offended by dirty jokes than about how many men are killed or maimed by workplace accidents To understand why, see Warren Farrell’s “The Boy Crisis.” It may change your life — to the better.
“When Saying ‘Yes’ Is Easier Than Saying ‘No’” -New York Times, December 16, 2017. Excerpt:
Sometimes “yes” means “no,” simply because it is easier to go through with it than explain our way out of the situation. Sometimes “no” means “yes,” because you actually do want to do it, but you know you’re not supposed to lest you be labeled a slut. And if you’re a man, that “no” often means “just try harder” — because, you know, persuasion is part of the game.
This in the New York Times! Will wonders never cease?
Sexual Assault’s Broken System of Justice” This report of June 11, 2017, details what I believe is a frightening culmination, especially on campus, of the decades-old “male initiates/female reacts” courting system. Excerpt:
The defense attorneys for Mr. Johnson asked that the rape charge against him be dismissed in part because they believed the Missoula Police Department’s sexual assault investigation policy violated the presumption of innocence. Whether that was an appropriate basis for the dismissal request is best left to legal experts. What is more clearly inappropriate, however, is that the judge based her ruling on David Lisak’s misrepresentation of his own paper.
The Court finds that the Missoula Police Department’s policy … is not in violation of the presumption of innocence. It is not improper for the police to have this policy because, as Dr. David Lisak noted in his expert witness disclosure, the percentage of false reports is very low … It is hereby ordered that the Defendant’s Second Motion to Dismiss is Denied.
Even if the research were valid—and it’s worth repeating that it is not—a judge’s decision to proceed to trial based on the statistical probability that the accused is guilty is troubling. It is difficult even to imagine another type of crime for which the presumption of innocence has been so compromised.
“How Women Can Prevent Sexual Harassment” This commentary of April 24, 2017, begins with an awareness of what men must contend with:
Since the dawn of the ages, men have been trying to get it on with women. Hundreds of old movies (and new ones!) depict story after story of a woman who acts coy and flirtatious with a man, while the man is left to dissect the meaning of her behavior. Does she want it or doesn’t she? Is she interested or isn’t she?
The commentary shows three ways strong women combat sexual harassment at work:
They dress appropriately.
They don’t flirt.
They nip it in the bud.
These measures are certainly effective as far as they go. But the commentary falls short in that it fails to recognize the many women who dress professionally, never flirt, and nip it in the bud initially (for the reasons explained in my commentary) but later have second thoughts, as seen in movies and in real life, giving rise and reason to male persistence, a cornerstone of “harassment.”
“The Uncomfortable Truth About Campus Rape Policy” This Atlantic.com report of September 6, 2017, describes the draconian point we have reached. The old saying “It’s better that 10 guilty go free than that one innocent be punished” has been turned on its head on campus. This may partly explain men’s drop in college enrollment over the last eight years.
“Why do women beach volleyball players wear bikinis while men wear shorts and tank tops?” “The answer, according to Corinne Calabro, the communications director for USA Volleyball, is pretty simple: Because that’s what the female athletes want to compete in. Women don’t have to wear bikinis — the uniform guidelines from the Federation of International Volleyball, the governing body of all international competition, allow for many different options.”
A final note: the politics of sexual harassment
Because feminists and the liberal media when reporting on gender issues have for decades tended to demonize men and portray women as innocent victims, they haven’t just kept gender alienation alive and striving. They have, I believe, helped hugely to hurt themselves and the Democratic Party to which they are affiliated:
“Republicans don’t have near as big a woman problem as Democrats have a man problem.” This will surely worsen as more and more liberal and Independent men tire of both the liberal media’s and the liberal culture’s antimale predilection. If things continue as is, perhaps one day our two political parties will rename themselves and we’ll have the ultimate gender alienation: The Party of Women and The Party of Men.